I normally don't even bother watching all of the Oscars, but I chatted with a buddy online last year as I watched, and we had fun with it. So here is my Sports Guy-esque running diary of the 82nd Academy Awards.


8:30 – And we’re off. Well, that started very quickly. Helen Mirren somehow is hotter now than she was thirty years ago. How does that work? And where the hell did Jeremy Renner come from? The only other movie I’ve ever seen him in is SWAT. Yes, he was the other guy in SWAT.


8:32 – I think NPH’s suit might give someone a seizure. Wow, that’s glittery.


8:34 – What, no safety harness for Alec Baldwin?


8:36 – Good Lord, Christopher Plummer is still in the game? Ah, Vera Farmiga, or as I once described her, a less ugly Sarah Jessica Parker. And Helen Mirren, jeez, did she get work done? What is it?


8:38 – The Hitler memorabilia joke made me laugh out loud. What can I say, I like a good Hitler joke.


8:39 – I’m still wrapping my brain around the fact that Mo’Nique has an Oscar nomination. In other words, she has one more than Jim Carrey.


8:41 – Laughed out loud at the Christoph Waltz joke. Again, what can I say, I like a good Hitler joke.


8:44 – I typically like ladies with foreign accents, but Penelope Cruz’s just doesn’t work for me. I don’t know why.


8:48 – Ralph Feinnes’ Nazi doesn’t get the award, but Christoph Waltz does? But will he be pigeonholed into playing evil Nazis from now on?


8:55 – Cameron Diaz, still throwing strikes after all these years. And like Roger Clemens, I’m certain it’s not natural either.


8:58 - It has to be Up for Best Animated, right?


8:59 – Yup, it’s Up. Big surprise.


9:00 – Take heart Steve, I know who Miley Cyrus is, but I have no idea who the other girl is.


9:01 – Not nominated for best song this year, eight songs from Slumdog Millionaire.


9:04 – Someone should tell this guy that Jack Nicholson is the only white guy allowed to wear sunglasses indoors. And even Jack looks like an ass. (I’m going to feel really silly if this guy turns out to be blind though.)


9:05 – Does anyone else think Chris Pine has a big head? Or maybe it’s just me.


9:12 – Ditto Robert Downey Jr and his stupid sunglasses.


9:14 – Of all the Quentin Tarantino movies, will Inglourious Basterds be the only to finally win him an Oscar? Because that would be a shame. Like Al Pacino not winning for Godfather Part II but for Scent of a Woman.


9:15 – And he doesn’t. It’s Hurt Locker.


9:17 – Oh. My. God. Is that really Molly Ringwald? Who’s running the PTA meeting?


9:22 – Ally Sheedy! Man, I hate recycling jokes but… And did she have to bring up the “when you grow up your heart dies” line about a guy who died of a heart attack? In front of the guy’s family, no less?


9:28 – Hey, best short films! And America just took a bathroom break.


9:38 – That’s a pretty decent makeup job on Ben Stiller. The eyes are really creepy.


9:39 – Okay, let’s not overdo it…


9:41 – Star Trek? Really? Hasn’t the technology for Spock ears been around, oh, over forty years now?


9:50 – I don’t think I’ve seen a single one of these film nominated for best adapted screenplay.


9:54 – Is it really an honor to be honored with Roger Corman? Sure the man gave a lot of young filmmakers their break, but they broke in making horrible movies. And that’s not counting the horrible movies he made without those young filmmakers.


9:57 – The Departed was just three or four years ago, right? Then why does it seem like Vera Farmiga seem like she’s aged ten years since.


10:00 – I can’t believe I live in a world where Mo’nique is an Oscar winner. I hope in a few years she won’t replace Cuba Gooding Jr as the consensus choice of who they’d revoke an Oscar from if it were possible.


10:05 – Yay, art direction… whatever the hell that means…


10:07 – If art direction is really about sets and stuff, should Avatar be allowed to win? How many real sets were there at all?


10:09 – It’s appropriate that Sarah Jessica Parker is presenting Best Costume. It has to be a pain to stuff a horse like Sarah in a dress.


10:11 – Yay, the fancy English costume drama won for Best Costume… shocking.


10:13 – As amazing as the fact that Mo’Nique won an Oscar, who’d ever think a film nominated for Best Picture would have Mo’Nique AND MARIAH CAREY in it?


10:17 – Isn’t that the same conductor they use in "Dancing with the Stars?"


10:21 – Wouldn’t it have been easier just to have Morgan Freeman present the award instead of that awkward narration?


10:27 – I don’t care how good the sound was, Transformers 2 shouldn’t even be mentioned tonight at all. Luckily for us, it didn’t win. Worst movie of the year.


10:29 – Am I seeing that right? Dork award winners don’t even get a statuette?


10:35 – Sandra Bullock is starting to get a serious case of old lady neck.


10:38 – And it won’t be the Oscars without… the Death Montage!


10:41 - What, no love for Farrah Fawcett, or Ed McMahon? I always feel bad for being screwed out of the Death Montage. What makes Britney Murphy more notable than Farrah or Ed McMahon?


10:45 – So are Sam Worthington’s glasses real or just some douchy Hollywood accessory?


10:46 – I always hate it when they have dancers do the Best Score nominees. Savion Glover tap dancing to Schindler’s List a few years ago brought awkwardness and inappropriateness to new levels.


10:54 – Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper are badly under-utilized as presenters. They couldn’t take some funny dialogue from Ben Stiller and give these two some witty banter? Really?


11:02 – Best Documentary. Time for another bathroom break.


11:04 – It figures that Hollywood would love Daniel Ellsburg. Patriotism is mocked, yet borderline treason is applauded.


11:05 – But one of the only things that Hollywood likes even better than traitors is dolphins. Because they’re adorable. And they can perform tricks. And allow me be the one to remind everyone that we only know Fisher Stevens because he played a horrific ethnic stereotype in the Short Circuit movies.


11:06 – Would it have killed Tyler Perry do present this award in drag?


11:07 – Come on, we know Tyler Perry wasn’t in The Blindside. He’s in "24" this season, right?


11:16 – Is Pedro Almodovar only presenting because he can pronounce the foreign film titles correctly?


11:18 – Wow, James Cameron didn’t look happy after that dig at Avatar. Especially since Avatar hasn't come close to bringing in the haul that everyone said it would so far.


11:25 – I haven’t seen Michelle Pfeiffer in a while. Now, I’m kinda glad I haven’t.


11:28 – And yet Julianne Moore still seems to have it together.


11:30 – And remember what I said about Jeremy Renner and SWAT? The Academy couldn’t think of any other movie Jeremy Renner was in either.


11:32 – What would the baseball equivalent of Kate Winslet? Not HOF material, but consistently good and still bringing it fifteen years later. Andy Pettitte? Is Kate Winslet the Andy Pettitte of hot chicks?


11:42 – Michael Sheen has a thing for Helen Mirren too. So it’s not just me.


11:48 - Sean Penn, you miserable cuss. Button that top button, you’re at the freakin’ Oscars! He looks like he just finished a pub crawl.


11:49 – Sandra better show up at the Razzies now.


11:52 – Speaking of miserable cusses, it’s Babs!


11:55 – Katherine Bigelow deserves it. I haven’t seen Hurt Locker yet, but Point Break (despite Keanu) was really good, and so was Strange Days. (K-19, meh… but I think that was more of a casting issue.)


11:58 – Was Tom Hanks supposed to just read the winner without at least reading a list of the nominees? Anyway, now I have to add Hurt Locker to my Netflix queue.


And I can’t believe I just spent almost four hours doing that. And somehow, with some careful wrangling, I was able to catch it all despite FIOS’s bad scheduling. Till the next event, later.

I'm noticing that there are a lot of comments in Chinese on a few of my entries. Gentlemen, I'm glad people are reading my blogs, as infrequently updated as it is, but honestly, if your command of the English language is good enough for you to read the blog, can you please comment in English as well? Look, I wasn't born here, but I came here before I learned to read and write in Chinese, and I only took Chinese in high school and college, so I'm basically illiterate in Chinese. Help a brotha out.

And it’s time for another Olympic Opening ceremony! I’ll actually do the whole thing this time, as I don’t actively hate Canada as much as I do Red China. (I only pity Canada. They try so hard.) Sorry it’s a bit late, between Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day, I was rather indisposed for most of the weekend. Enjoy.

9:00 – And we’re in Vancouver, for the XXI Winter Olympics, with NBC’s A-team, Matt Lauer and Bob Costas. Sixteen days, where the world, at least half of it, pretends to care about the skeleton and curling. (I’ve been advocating for this for a long time now, and some of you have heard me say it, but why can’t we shift some indoor sports in the Summer Olympics to the Winter Olympic? Basketball is played in the winter. Why is it in the Summer Olympics? Why can’t the gymnastics events, weightlifting, or ping pong events be moved to the winter games? I can understand why swimming and shooting competitions are done in the summer, but can anyone defend why the martial arts competitions are not done in the winter?) And I’m back blogging about it, not necessary for the pomp, pageantry, or thrill of international competition, but for the shameless propaganda and stereotyping. And we’re starting on a bit of a downer with the death of the Georgian luger. I saw the video before leaving work, and wow, that’s rough. It’s bad enough he died, it’s worse that it’s going to live on forever on YouTube.

9:02 – Start with shots of Caprica City, er, I mean, Vancouver. This is the second time the winter Olympics has been in Canada IN MY LIFETIME. And I think that pretty much sums up the limited appeal of the Winter Olympics. When Vancouver is easily the most prominent city to ever host a Winter Olympics, that says something.

9:03 – They’re reading off a list of cities where the Winter Olympics have been, and let me tell you, I’ve won the National Geography Bee at school before, and I probably know more about geography than 90% of Americans, and I can’t find St. Moritz or Lake Placid on the map.

9:05 – We kick off with a pretty cool snowboard jump through the Olympic rings. Like the ski jump in Torino (I think it was Torino, or maybe it was Lillehammer) it had the potential of being disastrous. Disastrously funny.

9:06 – Bob Costas points out that as the head of state, Queen Elizabeth was invited to come to the opening ceremony. She didn’t. I guess she had some stand-and-wave appointments she didn’t want to break.

9:07 – Mounties march in the Canadian flag. See, this is okay, because it’s the Canadian flag. Chinese troops goose-stepping with the Olympic flag two years ago? Not okay.

9:09 – Time for “Oh Canada.” While we’re on the topic of national anthems, I know they filmed the final fight from Rocky IV in Vancouver. I wonder if this is the arena that was used. It looks a little too big though.

9:11 – Just checked online, it’s not. Bummer.

9:13 – Alec Baldwin is on the Marriage Ref. Is he really the most qualified person to ref marriages? He just said that your wife doesn’t have to be the most important thing in your life, but she has to think that she is. Is that why he’s single today?

9:14 – Looks like they started during the commercial break. Nice. And man, are those statues with the arms creepy.

9:17 – Interesting take on the parade of nations, using Native nations instead. Nice.

9:21 – Bob Costas mentions that will be 82 nations at these Olympics, versus 204 at the last Summer Olympics. So I was wrong, the Winter Olympics are giving a big eff you to OVER half the world.

9:21 – And Greece starts it off. I like the color scheme. Blue and white pretty much go with anything.

9:23 – Andorra is sending six athletes? SIX? That a lot. Argentina is only sending seven.

9:25 – Apparently Armenia’s colors are red, blue, and orange. Wow, that must be hard to coordinate. The Australia flag bearer is really hot. But alas, as Matt pointed out, she’s engaged.

9:26 – Wow, those Austrian outfits are nice. Sure, they ignore the national colors, but they have different designs for men and women, which is always a plus, and both look very classy. And it looks like Azerbaijan is trying hard to bring Zubaz back into style. Or maybe Zubaz just got to Azerbaijan. I guess we can’t really fault them for that then. Even Bob Costas is making fun of them. (On a personal note, my cousin used to refer to Zubaz as “Polish camouflage.”)

9:27 – Interesting flag of Belarus. Wow, that must be really hard for school kids to draw.

9:28 – Bermuda breaks out the Bermuda shorts. They know it’s the WINTER Olympics, right? At least they didn’t pair it with an ugly parka.

9:29 – Even Brazil doesn’t have as many athletes as Andorra. And this Brazilian one-name thing is a bit out of hand when even the president does it.

9:30 – The Cayman Islands team looks like they’re struggling with the idea of “winter” too.

9:31 – Chile only has three athletes. You’d think considering all the mountains they have, they’d have more.

9:32 – Boo, Red China. (Nope, not letting it go just because it’s the Olympics.) And it’s a commercial! Which countries are going to get the shaft because NBC has to pay the bills?

9:35 – And the shafted nations are: Colombia, Croatia, Cyprus, and the Czech Republic. And it looks like the Czechs are trying to bring back Zubaz too. And Denmark’s only Winter Olympics medal was in curling. Wow, that’s just sad.

9:36 – Finland hosts the world sauna championship. Why don’t terrorists hate THEM?

9:38 – And the winner for Most Politically Compromised Country Name is: The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. And that’s only because Chinese Taipei isn’t here at the Winter Olympics. Savor your victory for now, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, while you can. And far, the only country that hasn’t gone with some variation of ugly unisex parka and pants is Austria and Bermuda. Come on people.

9:39 – And the Georgian team comes out. Wow, opening ceremonies are rough on Georgia. Two years ago in Beijing, the opening ceremony was the same day Russia invaded Georgia. I wonder how they got those black scarves with the Georgian flag on such short notice.

9:41 – And hold on, give me a second, I’m temporarily blinded by the German outfits. Wow, Germany, really? Charles De Gaulle once (allegedly) described the Germans as having “No moral compass, but what a tailor.” Well, I hope they at least got their moral compass back, because it looks like they took the tailor out back and shot him.

9:42 – Ghana is up. The pointed out that Ghana’s lone athlete only got into skiing because he worked at a ski resort. Chance encounters, that’s what seems to be what binds a lot of these athletes from warm weather places. One guy went to school in New Hampshire, another went to school in Colorado. Again, how do people in their homeland get into this when the athletes only got into it by accident?

9:43 – Great Britain also eschews the parka, and has separate outfits for men and women. And they look really classy. I hope someone learns from this.

9:44 – And the women of Hungary do not disappoint, again.

9:46 – Did India run out of outfits? Most of the people are wearing these gray parkas, but the flag bearer and this other guy are just wearing suits. The men and women of the Iranian team also have different outfits, but that’s only because it’d be really awkward watching the men beat the women later for daring to wear pants.

9:47 – The Irish team comes in wearing fluorescent yellow pants. Insert your own dressing under the influence joke/Irish alcoholism joke here.

9:48 – The Italians are wearing very classy, albeit, unisex, dark gray overcoats. But it works. You taking notes here, Germany?

9:50 – Kazakhstan brought 38 athletes? Is very nice! (Okay, I apologize. Borat jokes are so overdone.)

9:53 – And the screwed by commercial countries this time are: Kyrgyzstan, Latvia, and Lebanon. Too bad, screw you guys.

9:54 – Liechtenstein has six athletes too. Are the Winter Olympics just a chance for little countries to shine while the rest of the world sits back and doesn’t care?

9:58 – Nepal, another country you’d imagine would be a Winter Olympic powerhouse, is only sending two athletes.

10:06 – And we’re back from another commercial, and the screwed over countries are San Marino, Senegal, Serbia, and Slovakia.

10:07 – According to Bob, Slovenia’s flag bearer is a part time model. Yeah, I can tell.

10:09 – And the Swedish ladies don’t disappoint either.

10:10 – And it’s Chinese Taipei, amongst the T’s! I had written them off! Hah, too bad Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, you only had the award for Most Politically Compromised Country Name for a half hour.

10:13 – USA! USA! Wow, those are ugly hats. Shawn White needs to get a haircut, he looks like an ugly woman, and Lindsay Jacobellis looks like Lady Gaga, so she also looks like an ugly woman.

10:15 – And finally, host country Canada. Once again, trying to be at the forefront of fashion, I will admit, the scarf and the mittens are quite nice.

10:20 – Brian Adams! Somewhere, Celine Dion, Gordon Lightfoot, Rush, and Ann Murray are outraged. Meanwhile, Natalie Furtado looks like she bought her shoes from Strippers R Us. The natives are also trying to dance along to the song, but I imagine that must be a bit awkward.

10:25 – The Coke commercial with the snowball fight was funny, but I have a feeling it might provoke an international incident had it happened in real life, because you know someone would’ve taken it too far. (I’m look in your direction, Iran.)

10:27 – Donald Sutherland! Somewhere, William Shatner is outraged. I wonder if that’s real snow, or fake movie snow. Yes, the natives are hardy, with their iPod earbuds and all.

10:30 – I don’t know how that guy is doing that pulsing effect, but that is really cool. Is it projectors? But if it was, wouldn’t you see it image on the guy too?

10:32 – And the world’s largest and most expensive Coca Cola ad emerges from the floor. What, that giant animatronic bear is NOT holding a Coke bottle? Opportunity lost…

10:33 – Wow, the ice breaking up is a crazy effect too. That can’t be projectors, can it? A dig at global warming, perhaps?

10:36 – Are we getting a Circe du Soleil show? They’re Canadian, right? The “columns” look pretty cheap compared with the effect with the ice and the whales, sorry. (Did Donald Sutherland just quote Chief Dan George? Didn’t he play the chief in “The Outlaw Josey Wales?”)

10:38 – Is Sarah MacLachlan slowly transforming into Gloria Estefan? And do you think she is okay with the fact that her music is now forever associated with dog torture? If Michael Vick is the face, then she’s certainly the soundtrack.

10:42 – Commercial time. Is Green Zone just “Bourne Goes to Iraq?”

10:45 – We’ve got Wolverine feverishly playing his fiddle in a canoe. Which I guess works, Wolverine IS Canadian after all.

10:47 – I didn’t think crazy step dancing fiddling punks was a Canadian tradition. But now I know. They should have these guys rumble with the Sharks and the Jets.

10:52 – Rockets on tap shoes seemed to be something only a gay Wile E. Coyote could’ve thought up of.

10:54 – Toyota tries to convince America that their products are not crap, despite the fact that nearly every single car in their lineup has been recalled for potentially fatal problems. I’ve been driving Toyotas for over ten years, and even I’m losing confidence. Convince me.

10:58 – Does this running and flying over the wheat sequence make anything think of Superman I? Because the Kansas scenes WERE filmed in Canada.

11:07 – The skiers and snowboarders on a while segment is cool and all, but it seems little “Disney on Ice” –ish. Although the energy streaks are really cool.

11:11 – We got an Amish beatnik doing a poetry bit. Why couldn’t they get the “I Am Canadian” guy for this? Wouldn’t that bring down the house? Again, William Shatner must be outraged. (Zed instead of Zee? Like Triumph the Insult Comic dog once said, you’re in North America, learn the language.)

11:17 – Jacque Rogge and John Furlong bring every down again by remind everyone about the guy that died this morning. Thanks guys.

11:19 – If reminding everyone that one of their fellow athletes had just died that morning didn't do it already, all the energy in the room is sucked out by John Furlong’s boring delivery. Can we get this guy a tele-prompter, please, or is Barack Obama giving a speech at an elementary school in Seattle? And this guy has a really thick Canadian accent, even thicker than Michael Hogan, the guy that played Colonel Tigh on BSG. Why wouldn’t we get HIM to do the speech, complete with eye-patch and flask?

11:22 – The guy just brought up the torch relay. It has to be Wayne Gretsky lighting the torch, right? I mean, who else can it be?

11:26 – I don’t speak French, but it seems like this guy’s French is terrible. French speakers, back me up?

11:32 – kd lang pops out for a song, wearing a tux so ill-fitting you’d think she borrowed it from me. (And for the record, I would never wear a cream colored tux, much less own one. But if I did, who knows, I might lend it to kd lang.) Again, another Canadian performer off the list, and Celine Dion, Rush, Gordon Lightfoot, and Ann Murray are still on the board. Time is running out!


11:40 – Eight Canadian celebrities bring in the Olympic flag. Terry Fox’s mom is one of them, eliminating one of the possible torch bearers, which all but cements Gretsky as the torch lighter tonight. Donald Sutherland is there too, wearing a tux stolen from Tom Wolfe. And they also have an open wheeled race car driver, and a geriatric figure skater. And Ann Murray is off the board! Then some UN dude, Bobby Orr, and a Canadian astronaut. Again, Shatner must be outraged. Hell, I’m outraged FOR him.

11:42 – Some Canadian opera singer belts out the Olympic Hymn wearing one of Diana Ross’s weaves. Is it really a hymn if the singer belts it out like that?

11:47 – The announcer asks that the crowd remaining standing for a moment of silence for the Georgian luger, and then promptly mangles the guy’s name. Thanks buddy.

11:48 – The official doing the official’s oath gives an audible “well done” to the woman doing the athlete’s oath. Uh, thanks?

11:53 – And the torch comes in. And more Canadian celebrities! Alas, I don’t think Shatner will be involved here either, as it looks like running is involved. Steve Nash, good call. Next is Nancy Greene, whom Matt referred “the most successful Canadian alpine skier of all time.” So obviously, we have no idea who she is. And she hands it off to Gretsky. Like there was any doubt.

11:57 – I’ll say it: Wayne Gretsky is starting to look like an old woman.

11:58 – Aaaand, we’re still waiting. Is the orchestra just vamping?

11:59 – Uh oh, we’ve got technical difficulties. Four torch bearers, three torches. Who gets screwed? Wow, this is awkward.

12:00 – Finally, Superman’s Fortress of Solitude rises out of the ground, or at least most of it does. Yet another Superman reference tonight, maybe the director is a fan?

12:01 – And arrrgh, my recording ends. I should’ve extended it for the live event. Thankfully, I see the end later. Did they ever reveal who got screwed out of lighting the torch indoors? Was it Gretsky? Because I know he got to do it later.

And we’re out from Vancouver. Now let’s sit back and enjoy us some Nordic Combine and Ice Dancing. (If ice dancing is an Olympic sport, then why not regular ballroom dancing?)

Ugh, I have to update this damned thing. I promise, I will get to it.

I originally made a decision not to watch any of the 2008 Summer Olympics. For one thing, the Olympics in general don’t really interest me. The shameless commercialism also turns me off. (Although, I am writing this as I’m sucking down two cans of Coke. I’m such a sheep.) Oh, and this year’s Olympics are a showcase for a morally reprehensible regime who’s very existence I’m offended by. But I just couldn’t pass up the parade of nations. Now, with profound apologies to Bill Simmons, I present my running diary of the Parade of Nations from the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics. (Not live, of course, and with a DVR delay.)


9:20: And here we go! Our commentators are Bob Costas and Matt Lauer. Not a bad pairing, they could’ve gone with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Greece leads off, as usual. The stadium is ringed with…cheerleaders? I wonder if they’re going to stay out there the entire time.

9:23: Turkmenistan comes out, and according to the commentators, the president of Turkmenistan personally approved of the team uniforms. Apparently the guy loves puke green.

9:24: I don’t know who’s picking the music, but it’s really weird when you have Yemen marching out to “Scotland the Brave.”

9:26: Out comes Malaysia. There appear to be three variations of costumes: tracksuits, suits that look like flight attendant uniforms, and regional dress. Malaysia went all out on the regional dress. Meanwhile, Mali and Malawi just marched out to “Scotland the Brave.”

9:28: And they cut to commercial! Which countries get screwed over? And since this is all tape delayed, why are they skipping over countries at all?

9:33: Belgium marches out wearing some of the ugliest suits I’ve ever seen. Come on Belgium, you can do better than that.

9:34: Here comes Israel. For some reason, Israel does horribly in the Olympics when it comes to medal count. You’d think in a country where almost everyone is in good shape and can shoot would at least have a couple of team sports or shooting medals. Or maybe it's because they're preoccupied with other things, like fighting for their existence.

9:35: Japan comes out wearing classy blue blazers. Is the Chinese crowd going to let them have it? Alas, no. Ironically, they’re waving Red Chinese flags, an interesting reversal of fortune.

9:36: Ah, Taiwan…er, I mean, Chinese Taipei, proudly waving their non-flag. And when they win a medal, they can bask in their non-anthem. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have stayed home. My parents are no doubt cheering like crazy right about now.

9:37: Hong Kong has its own Olympic team? Does Macau have one too?

9:38: Gambia comes out in traditional costume. Two people on the team stand out: a SMOKING hot black chick and a white guy. You know, if you’ve got a white guy on your team, maybe you should forgo traditional African dress. One of the commentators points out how the white guy coordinated his glasses to match his outfit. Too bad he couldn’t coordinate his skin color to match his outfit.

9:39. I take it back, there are four types of costumes. I say that because the Danes just marched out looking like tourists in capri pants and polo shirts.

9:40: The Ukrainian team apparently turned to Captain Kangaroo for inspiration for their blazers. Wow, I don’t know what’s uglier, the Belgian jackets or these. I think these. I can’t imagine any situation where it’d be okay to wear a teal and yellow blazer.

9:45: According to Matt Lauer, Paraguay’s flag has two different sides. I did not know that.

9:48: Pakistan comes out in some very nice looking olive drab green blazers. Very nice.

9:50: Morgan Freeman does a voiceover for a Visa commercial. What if he had been killed in that car accident he was in earlier this week? Wouldn’t hearing him hawk Visa cards be a bit creepy? Would they get someone else to re-record all of the commercials? What if he was a coma? Am I the only one that wonders about these things?

9:53: Reviewing the passed over nations, the Burundians (Burundians? Is that right) actually carry spears as part of their national dress. Now THAT’S national dress. And Bob Costas correctly pronounces Qatar. (It’s pronounced “gutter.”) I got taught the proper pronunciation in seventh grade, and haven’t heard anyone pronounce it correctly ever since.

9:54: India has 1.1 billion people, yet only 56 athletes. It’s unfortunate that the sport the country is absolutely crazy about, cricket, just happens to not be an Olympic sport. Probably something to do with the fact that it takes five days to play a match. Meanwhile, I almost spit up my drink when I saw a SMOKING hot Indian chick. Quick cut to President Bush who looks bored out of his mind. He actually looked at his watch. Wow, that was awkward.

9:56: The Lithuanians go for the tourist look too, except with lime green polos. Does the Lithuanian flag have lime green in it?

9:59: Canada tries again to be on the leading edge of fashion. Frankly, they’re trying a bit too hard, because their outfits are hideous. On the other hand, there are plenty of good looking women on that Canadian team. Do you think they push all the better looking ladies toward the edge of the crowd so they get more camera time? Is there a group of plainer looking women on the inside of the crowd?

10:03: Laos and Armenia march in to “Scotland the Brave.” Alright already.

10:05: Liechtenstein comes in to mariachi music. I don’t know if that’s an improvement over the bagpipe music.


10:07: Matt Lauer points out the loud cheer from the Chinese crowd for the Iraqi team. Thanks, not that you guys did anything to help let that happen…

10:09: Hungary marches and the ladies are wearing flowery dresses that make them look like grandmothers in their Sunday best. Even Matt Lauer and Bob Costas are busting on them. Hungary’s reputation for fine ladies just took a huge hit.

10:13: Guam has a 399lb guy on their judo team. When I first saw him, I actually thought sumo wrestling had been added as an Olympic event. And why does Guam have their own Olympic team?

10:14: The Jordanian flag bearer is SMOKING hot. Good God! Yes, they are that good looking, and not that’s based on the fact that I don’t get out much.

10:16: Bob Costas points out that the Croatia’s flag bearer is the best handball player in the world. Naturally, that means the vast majority of Americans have no idea who he is. Or what handball is.

10:17: The cheerleaders ringing the stadium are still at it. What are they on? Meanwhile, another shot of Bush, looking somewhat interested now. Maybe the hot Jordanian chicks piqued his interest.

10:21: Bob Costas pronounced Cape Verde Cape VERD. Hmm, I always thought it was Cape VAIR-DAY. Which way is correct?

10:24: There’s a 14 year old kid on the British team. This beats any sleep away camp. There’s one British Olympic team, yet separate English, Scottish, and presumably Welsh and Northern Irish soccer teams. Why is that? Hong Kong and Guam have their own Olympic teams, yet they’d never have their own soccer teams.

10:28: No boos for France, much to the surprise of Bob and Matt. Well, if they’re not booing Japan, Taiwan, or France, who will they boo? Oh yeah, the US.

10:29: The women of the Polish team are clearly overdressed, in nice red gowns. It works for me.

10:30: Puerto Rico has their own team?

10:34: (Really, how far back did Sacha Baron Cohen push Kazakhstan?) They’re followed by Bulgaria, and one of the commentators mentions Jordan Jovtchev, veteran Olympic gymnast. Dorks like me know him however, as Jordan Jovtchev, repeat Ninja Warrior contestant.

10:35: The Russian flag bearer is AK-47 himself, Andrei Kirilenko. (One of the all-time great sports nicknames, in my opinion.) Cut to Putin waving to the team, no doubt minutes after he ordered Russian tanks to roll into Georgia.

10:37: Cheers for the USA! They like us, they really like us. Cut to Bush, who wakes up and stands to wave to the team. Jenny Finch looks spectacular, as usual. The US uniform is classy, white slacks, blue blazers with the Olympic emblem, and a white flatcap, but I don’t know if you’d wear it anywhere else.

10:41: Budweiser runs a commercial extolling how American it is, hoping that everyone conveniently forgets that they got bought up by the Belgians a few weeks ago.

10:45: The cheerleaders appear to be slowing down. Can’t blame them, they’ve been on their feet and waving their arms nonstop for an hour and 15 minutes now. Cut again to President Bush, and he looks bored out of his mind again.

10:51: Here comes Georgia! Do you suppose most Americans knew there was a country called Georgia? Because if they didn’t, then CNN’s headline “Russia Invades Georgia” will freak out a lot of people. Do you think these athletes know? Boy, this is awkward…

10:52: According to Matt Lauer, Ireland has the fastest growing population in Europe. Well, what did he expect, the sale of condoms was illegal until a few years ago. Fashion-wise, they’re the first team tonight to wear blazers you can actually wear to a business meeting later on.

10:54. Kiribati is taking the national dress thing a little two far. (Well, not as far as Burundi.) But they’ve got two guys on the team who look like they’re wearing the Rock’s old costume back from when he was Rocky Maivia.

11:00: There’s a white guy on the South Korean team. How the hell did that happen?

11:02: “Scotland the Brave” starts up again right as the North Koreans start marching in. This really has to stop.

11:06: Sweden upholds their reputation for hot ladies. The guys are in blazers, but the ladies are in what looks like traditional Chinese dresses, but in teal and yellow. Very nice, it definitely works. I hope the rest of the countries drop the androgynous outfits and dress up the ladies soon.

11:08: Nike rolls out what is probably their greatest commercial since “Move,” set to the chorus to the Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Beautiful.



11:13: So how do they organize the Cyprus team? Is it half Turkish and half Greek?

11:16: Dirk Nowitzki leads the German team out. Every time I see him I’ve reminded of how he and Pat Garrity got traded for Robert Traylor on draft night in 1998. Yes, that really happened. In other news, the Germans are only the second team wearing a suit that they’d be able to wear in real-life situations. They’re also unusually festive, which makes me wonder if they spent the time waiting getting sloshed.

11:23: The Red Chinese team comes out, and they finally do something about the music, abruptly cutting the bagpipe music for something that sounds generically Oriental. Yao Ming is carrying the flag. He’s the fourth NBA player to be carrying the flag tonight, following Manu Ginobili, AK-47, and Dirk Nowitzki He rehabbed from his season ending injury just in time go play in the Olympics so he can help the Red Chinese team get crushed by the US. There’s a nine year old kid who, according to Bob and Matt, survived the earthquake, dug himself out, went out, and helped to classmates out. He’s in front of a worldwide audience waving a big chicom flag, which, unfortunately, is upside down. They’ll probably send him to a reeducation cap until he’s eighteen for that. The crowd goes wild, with a huge swell of Red Chinese pride, which promptly makes me want to puke my guts out.

11:40: Ah, nothing says Olympic spirit like the Olympic flag…being raised by eight goose-stepping PLA soldiers…

11:43: It’s been twenty minutes since the Red Chinese team first came out, and the kid’s flag is still upside down. Yao has the kid in his arms now, so they’re eye to eye, and the kid is waving the flag right in Yao’s face, yet it looks like Yao doesn’t notice. I noticed this twenty minutes ago watching it on tape and DVR delay on a 27 inch regular definition television, and Yao can’t see it live and a foot from his face?

11:54: I have to give credit where credit is due, that wire-assisted run around the rim of the stadium and the torch lighting was pretty damn cool. Here I thought they were going to allow a Tibetan monk to light himself on fire and then push him in.

And that’s it for the Parade of Nations and the lighting of the torch. Years from now, people will reflect on these games and recognize that maybe it was the cheerleaders who performed the greatest athletic feats in these games. Two and a half hours of jumping around and swinging your arms, acting excited. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my regular schedule of refusing to watch the games.

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but things have been hectic. I have been setting stuff aside to post though, so when I do post for real, it'll be huge. In the meantime, enjoy the greatest campaign video ever made. If you're not a bit teary by the end, all I can say it, go back to Russia comrade!

Part 1



Part 2

- With Pitchers and Catchers Report Day tomorrow, this link has some interesting information regarding that other holiday. Who knew Henry VIII was such a romantic?

- If you went to the link above, then you should be as appalled as I was when I read about the Alexandra Hospital Massacre. Every wonder why everybody in Asia who lived through WWII hates the Japs? That's why.

- The evolution of tech logos. Fascinating...

- I'm not shocked by these geeky babies, I'm just shocked that their geek parents were able to find mates to reproduce with...

- And finally, another ongoing feature, this post's featured Jet Li fight:



This was a scene from Fist of Legend, which was a remake of a Bruce Lee film, Fist of Fury. (The corresponding scene in below.) Notice how Jet Li just goes in there like the kung fu equivalent of Luke Skywalker going to Jabba's palace in ROTJ. The man doesn't even take off his freakin' shoes. Meanwhile, Bruce Lee hot dogs it and takes the time to take his shirt off. (Too be fair, if I had Bruce Lee's physique, I'd never wear a shirt.) If you can only see one Jet Li movie, let it be Fist of Legend.

- It's Super Tuesday! Once again, I got a sample ballot from the state of New Jersey, and once again I was tempted to vote, but I just don't know who to vote for. I do think it's funny that people paint John McCain as too liberal and Mitt Romney as a true conservative. Mitt Romney is the former Governor of Massachusetts, while John McCain is a current Senator from Arizona. I'm supposed to believe that a man who once won a state-wide election in the same state that has gainfully employed liberal icon Ted Kennedy for 45 years is a true conservative? A state that hasn't elected a Republican Senator in my lifetime? How conservative can Romney be? Especially compared to a man who's been a Senator from a state that's been solidly Republican for all but one presidential election since the Truman administration? And frankly, if Ann Coulter wants to campaign for Hillary, she'll hear no argument from me. (From the same article, Ann, as the only presidential candidate this year who's been tortured, I think he'd know a thing or two about it.)

- ...because nothing says Carnival like a Holocaust float...

- "Mr. Delgado, say hello to Michael Vick. He'll be keeping you company during your stay in the hottest place in Hell."

- In dork news...

- Remember what I said about old ads? (See below.) Most of these are dated, but the Flintstones one is downright evil.

- Silly foreigners...

- I can't be happier that Johan Santana ended up on the Mets. The Yanks get to keep Hughes, Kennedy, Melky, and Alan Horne/Jose Tabata/Jeffrey Marquez/whoever. Best of all, Boston doesn't get him. But if it's true that Minnesota offered Santana for just Kennedy, Melky, and a prospect, I say go for it.

- Count me as someone who was in Drew Henson's camp. And for the record, Tom, we are SO SORRY for ever doubting you...

And finally...

- Hey Pats fans, if you guys are so much smarter, then tell me, what's the winning percentage of a team with a win-loss record of 18-1? And really, I didn't need the article to tell me that Pats fans are more classy, the picture of the guy with the dirty Pats jersey and facepaint with the champagne would've told me that. I mean, come on, it's champagne...

- This chart might be the most remarkable thing I've seen in months. Why is that?

1) Rambo only killed one guy, the abusive deputy, in all of First Blood, no one seems to remember that, including myself.
2) The man who compiled the list is none other than John Mueller, who currently holds the Woody Hayes Chair for National Security Studies at THE Ohio State University (and tire center.) The man is a professor at THE OSU, and he went through the entire Rambo series counting stats?
3) John Mueller, in addition to holding the Woody Hayes Chair for National Security studies and being a huge Rambo fan, is also a professor of dance at THE OSU. What?
4) There’s such thing as a Woody Hayes Chair for National Security Studies at THE Ohio State University.

-This is why you can’t let dorks have money…

- One thing I love is old commercials or ads, because more than anything, it reflects the values of the day. Some of these...wow.

- While we're talking about ads reflecting the values of the day, I remembered this ship's emblem that I saw at the submarine museum in Groton a few years back. Meanwhile, we still have a professional sports franchise called the "Redskins."

- I guess that's one way to make "Hey Ya" tolerable...

- Well it's about freakin' time. Wrath of Khan only came out what, twenty-five years ago?

- Obsolete war plan about invading Canada. Obsolete now, not because no one wants to do it, but because the UK is no longer a credible threat.

- In dork news...

- TNT has been running Stealth ad nauseum lately, and it's the latest example of a B-movie script coupled with an A-movie budget. I don't think you'll see a better looking, yet horrible movie. I watched half of it again just because the special effects were absolutely incredible, despite the fact that the script was probably originally written in crayon. How is it they never made a video game out of this movie? The flying scenes looked like they could've been lifted out of an Ace Combat game, yet no one thought to translate Stealth into a video game?

- My parents have recently gotten into ballroom dancing, and I saw them watching what looked to be like th chinese version of Dancing with the Stars one day. They were surprised to learn that there was actually an American version of the show as well. Every season, I look at the roster out of curiosity and some names stick out. Some for comedic reasons (Cliff Clavin) some for morbid reasons (Heather Mills) and others, like Scary Spice and Joey Fatone, because they'd have a built in advantage, having dance backgrounds (incidentally, both were runners-up in their respective seasons.) It'd be like if Congress played flag football, in the late nineties, except the Republicans would have JC Watts and Steve Largent on their team. Thus, why not just go all out and do a season of just stars with dancing backgrounds. Just off the top of my head:

Paula Abdul, former Laker Girl and choreographer, she's no stranger to reality TV

Gates McFadden, former choreographer, actress, and MILF, doesn't really seem busy at the moment

Rosie Perez, former Fly Girl, haven't seen her in anything in about a decade

Britney Spears, train wreck, needs all the good publicity she can get, plus a good excuse to get into shape again.

MC Hammer, former pop star, needs to put food on the table.

Patrick Swayze, actor, has studied dance all his life

Christopher Walken, actor, former song and dance man, might be too big a name to do this, but then again, if he'd do Ball of Fury, he'd do anything.

Mikhail Baryshnikov, actor/dancer, why not pull out the big guns?

And that's just off the top of my head. I can think of others (Madonna, J-Lo) who also have dance backgrounds, but are probably too big for it. Come on, ABC, let's get this done!


- And finally...(why is the guy dressed as the Riddler?)

- Grandma's only got a week to live, so you DRIVE to Arkansas? Grandma's only got a week to live, and you take her to see Arkansas?

- Seeing the commercials for I Am Legend made me wonder how long it would take nature to reclaim a huge city like NYC. Now we have some idea.

- And I thought went to a weird school...

- I always wanted to play this in basketball band...



- Hehe...

- Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

- This combines two of my great loves: geography and stereotypes.

- The Boston Red Sox were the last baseball team to integrate, famously passing on both Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays along the way, yet the Bruins were the first team in the NHL to integrate. Go fig...

- "[Reagan] was openly -- openly-- intolerant of unions and the right to organize. He openly fought against the union and the organized labor movement in this country." - John Edwards

Someone kindly inform John Edwards that Ronald Reagan was the only president to have experience as the head of a labor union (the Screen Actor's Guild, `47-`52, `59-`60.) All that hair gel must be seeping into his brain.

- Dorks are coming out of the woodwork...

- Ewww...

- So I FINALLY watched the Goonies. A lot of my friends had been stunned that I haven't seen it, but I've finally done it. I liked it, although I wanted to punch Chunk in the face for about half the movie. A) he was really annoying, and B) he was making us fat kids look bad. I think I would've lost my mind over the girl that played Andy if I had seen it when I was a kid, the fact that she spend most of the movie wet and in a mini-skirt didn't help. The DVD had a bonus feature which had the commentary by all the Goonies, and you got to see them as adults, and let me say, she's still a good looking woman.

- That brings us to the next point: I renew my call for Steven Spielberg to bring back Short Round in the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Marcus Brody came back in Last Crusade, Sallah came back in Last Crusade, heck, even Marian Ravenwood is coming back in the next one. If they don't want him on screen, at least acknowledge him in dialogue, like a phone call to him "hey Short Round, I spoke to Professor Smith at Stanford, and he's willing to give you a position on his staff once you finish your dissertation," or "Yeah, the kid in the picture is Short Round. He died during the Japanese occupation of Shanghai." Something. ANYTHING.

- The news of the Robotech live action movie reminded me of my previous idea of just reimagining Macross as a means to get around the copyright issues between the Japanese copyright holders and Harmony Gold, who own Robotech. If they just reimagine it, ala BSG, wouldn't that work around the issues? The names are already different, it's just the images and designs that are identical. Change those, and it should become an all new entity.

- Rudy won't sign a Packers hat, but he'll root for the Red Sox? Rudy, you are not a fan, but a whore.

- Factoid of the Day That May Only Interest Me (with apologies to Peter King): The US produced half a million Purple Hearts in 1945 in anticipation of the massive casualties expected from the planned invasion of the Japanese home islands. We dropped the bomb, the invasion was canceled, and we've been working our way through that supply of Purple Hearts ever since.

- That's a little tragic. Reminiscent of the story of Ira Hayes.

- Great list, every one of these fights belongs, but the Anchorman rumble was easily the best thing about the movie.

- Ummm, who's still taking vacations in Colombia?

- It's interesting that someone actually records these stats. Why do people predominately jump off of one side rather than the other?

- Wikipedia featured this article the other day. In other news, once upon a time, Belgium actually invaded someone.

- Speaking of Belgians, I work with a lot of them, so I probably know more things about the country than most Americans. But when I tried to think of famous Belgians, all I could come up with was Jean Claude Van Damme and Adolph Sax. I bet most people wouldn't even have Adolph Sax (inventor of the saxophone.) Apparently, trying to think of famous Belgians is a parlor game in the UK. So, how many famous Belgians can YOU think of?

- One last bit on Belgians: RSDb only has four slurs for Belgians, none of which are even that bad, as opposed to twenty-two for the Dutch.

- Perhaps one of the greatest scenes ever filmed. I'll admit it, I get chills every time I see it. Incidentally, I'd like to point out that 35 years after the completion of Apollo 17, the twelve Americans who walked on the moon are still the only human beings to ever walk on the moon. No other country has even sent men beyond Earth's orbit.



- Here one way the Muppets can find acceptance among today's youth, spoof a rated R movie. What's next, the Muppets spoofing Pulp Fiction? (Kermit: "Miss Piggy is nice. The Pigs in Space are nice." Gonzo: "Ratso can bake me a pumpkin pie, but that doesn't mean I'd befriend the filthy motherfucka.")



- The Dana Carvey Show only ran for six episodes, and was easily the best sketch from those six.




- Oh come on, a live action Robotech movie? Why not just a live action Macross movie? And will it include Minmei?


- The greatest game show ever.

Many people I've mentioned this to have compared it to the Running Man. If they've basically made a game show out of Grand Theft Auto, why not Running Man? Here's my pitch:

It'd be very similar to Special Forces Manhunt on the Military Channel, the difference being, instead of a trained former SAS man like Chris Ryan, it'd be just a regular contestant, and instead of exotic locals like a jungle or a desert, they'd use the abandoned city of Prypiat in the Ukraine. The city was built to house the employees of the Chernobyl power plant, and was abandoned after the accident. (The radiation can't be that bad if they allow tours there.) Let's face it, there aren't that many large abandoned cities out there. Instead of Stalkers, the hunters would be a squad of guest special forces units from all over the world. The contestant would wear a head mounted miniature camera and have an hour head start, and would have 24 hours to reach four checkpoints in no particular order without the hunters finding and shooting them first. The hunters would be armed with paint ball guns, and if the contestant is shot with a paint ball, the game is over. The contestant would only be armed with four paint grenades, and if a hunter is painted, then they're out of the game. The action would be covered by cameras mounted all over the city, as well as cameras on a hunters and the contestant. I don't know about you, but I'd watch.

- This will never be topped. Not only did the band just spell it out a few moments prior, but it's also the state with the fewest letters. Oh, and BTW, Ohio State still lost. Just wanted to remind everyone of that...

- RIP Sir Edmund Hillary. One thing about him that I almost found fascinating was the fact that his face was on the New Zealand five dollar note. Mind you, in most places of the world, the only living people that were allowed on money would be the reigning sovereign. Here in America, no living people are allowed on money, or stamps. But not only was Hillary not a monarch, he was still alive, and he had never been an elected official. Up until Peter Jackson or Lucy Lawless came along, he was probably the first person most people thought of when asked to name a New Zealander. I always wondered if he ever pulled out a five dollar bill when people asked to see a government issued photo ID, because I'd do it all the time.

- I've posted about the show Ninja Warrior before, and I believe they've outdid themselves. If watching guys trying to work their way through an impossibly tough obstacle course was entertaining, watching women do it is way better. Since they reconfigured the course to emphasize balance instead of raw strength, there aren't any freakishly ripped women (well, except for that wrestler who I couldn't tell was a woman,) and it's usually gymnasts, dancers, and runners who do the best. And I don't think I have to explain myself if I admit that watching gymnasts, dancers and runners bounce and run their way though an obstacle course is ... strangely compelling. The only downside is I'm now more than fully aware of the poor state of dental care in Japan, but you can't have everything.

The woman in the clip below isn't the hottest one, but she's clearly the Michael Jordan of the competition, having won the competition three times.

- Those crazy Brits...



- I just found out myself, but there's going to be a new Knight Rider TV movie next month. Apparently, it's going to be a continuation, with the Hoff making some guest appearances but no mention if William Daniels will ever cameo as the original KITT (Will Arnett, GOB from Arrested Development will be the new voice of KITT. What the hell?) And the new KITT will be a Mustang GT500, not a Trans Am, which will surely garner loud and vocal protests from thousands of Italians in New Jersey. Popular Mechanics had the dorky specs.

- You have to admire the girl's moxie. I'm sure she'll have plenty of time to think about it as she spends the next three years in a re-education camp. On a related note, I just used the word "moxie." What's the female equivalent of "balls?" Anybody?

- Speaking of Red China, I just found out there's a Chinese professional basketball team called the Beijing Ducks. Yes, the Beijing Ducks. Apparently, they play in the same league as the Buffalo Wings, the Vienna Schnitzels, the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks, and the New England Clam Chowders.

- For those of you who ever wondered what would happen if you were to throw an iPod or 53 Hot Wheels cars in a blender, this is the website for you. Why anyone would ever need a blender powerful enough to grind up several hundred carats of cubic zirconia is beyond me.

- I discovered Craig Ferguson's talk show over the break, and he's quite funny. Conan is more college humor, while Craig is more British comedy. I guess it just depends on what you're in the mood for. Most of you know I have a pretty bad Sean Connery impression that I'm more than willing to break out, so this is the most appropriate Craig Ferguson clip to post:



- Hehe. As the t-shirt once said, second place is the first loser...

- Anti-Americanism started in France. Whoda thunk it?

- The main story here isn't even the biggest story. The biggest story is that this kid is kid number twelve, and every other kid has weighed at least 11 lbs. That is one tough woman. (Not as tough as Vasquez, but still...)

- Oh, it doesn't get old...

- Three lists, all three of which should've been reversed:

Bad James Bond Puns. Maybe the "I thought Christmas only came once a year" line wasn't as bad as "I believe he's attempting reentry," but it was delivered by Pierce Brosnan, and not Roger Moore. You kind of expect Roger Moore to deliver lecherous lines like that, just like you'd expect Moore's Bond to grow up to be an old man who tries to pick up women a third his age in bars using bawdy pickup lines while wearing a smoking jacket with a dickey and swishing a snifter of brandy. But Brosnan? Totally out of the blue. And while The World is Not Enough wasn't that good to start with ("I'm a new-cu-lar scientist...") the Christmas line was the final nail in the coffin.

Greatest music videos. Those of you who know me know that I believe that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is the greatest music video of all time. For those of you who don't know me, I believe that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is the greatest music video of all time. The song isn't even that good. Like most Aerosmith videos of the day, it starred Alicia Silverstone, but as an added bonus, you've also got Liv Tyler, plus the super duper added bonuses of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler dressing up as Catholic schoolgirls, as strippers, and skinny dipping. (I can't imagine why Steven Tyler would cast his own daughter here, and frankly, I don't want to know.)

And finally, trashiest fan bases. Because you knew on football saturdays in Ohio, no fries and moonshine were being made and no couches were being burned (yet.)

- I can't stand Sean Penn, but really, if you're going to break up your marriage, isn't this the ultimate way to do it?

- Ryan Mallett, who hardly knew ye. I won't pretend to be able to predict what would happen if Mallett had stayed, but I would like to say how I have my qualms with Rich Rodriguez, and it has nothing to do with coaching. Some of you may remember how disgusted I was when Lee Bollinger left Michigan to be president of Columbia. I felt that we had been used, that we had only been a mere stepping stone, and I wanted a university president that ultimately wanted to stay at Michigan and go nowhere else, and how Jerry Ford would've been perfect for the job. But at least Lee was a Columbia alum. Not only does Rodriguez have absolutely no ties to Michigan, the state or the school, he grew up in the state of WV, attended WVU, and most of his coaching jobs prior to Michigan have been in the state of WV, and he quit his contract at WV to come with us. Why would we want a man who doesn't honor his contract? It's like how no one ever trusts spies or defectors. These people betrayed their own countries, why would they have any loyalty to us? Why would Rodriguez have any loyalty to us? We're just a paycheck to him. At least Les Miles was a Michigan man, and I can respect a man who wants to work for his alma mater.

- Caught the first two eps of the new season of Law and Order. I was very curious as to what they were going to do with Jack McCoy as the DA. I hope it's just temporary, as Sam Waterson is a fine actor and making him the DA just reduces his screen time. This is not to say that I don't like Linus Roache, on the contrary, I've liked him ever since he turned in very sympathetic performances as the Purifier in Chronicles of Riddick and as Thomas Wayne in Batman Begins. He does need to work on his American accent though, which is strange because he sounded fine in Batman Begins. It seems like he's overdoing the New York accent. I also don't like how he occasionally dresses like a mobster (black shirt, black suit, purple skinny tie in one scene.) He's an executive assistant district attorney, and he dresses like he manages a strip club? I also like Alana de la Garza's new look, she looks a lot more professional. Last season, with the jet black hair and porcelain skin, she looked more like one of Dracula's brides than a civil servant. I thought they went overboard on the hotness factor when they cast her anyway. The woman had a Maxim spread before she was on the show, for heaven's sake. There's no way a civil servant in ANY country looks like her. Jeremy Sisto's character seems okay, but there's nothing really to distinguish him from Ed Green. Briscoe and Fontana were far more experienced, and Cassady had too little experience, but Lupo seems to be at the same level as Green. It'll be interesting to see how it develops. One thing that bothers me is the fact that they said Lupo was working overseas with NYPD intel, and how he's broken hundreds of cases, often without backup. NYPD has personnel overseas working cases? They have jurisdiction? New episode tonight, we'll see.

- I want to do a posting on top twelve Attainable Chicks. (Yes, top twelve. I like the dirty dozen theme.) Michelle Trachtenberg and Zooey Deschanel are mortal locks to make the list. Any suggestions?

- "What has started out as a joke, has turned into a disaster." RIP Stu.

- Why doesn't someone make a collection of Wii drinking games? Who wouldn't want to play Wii quarters or Wii beer pong? No more rounding up quarters or buying ping pong balls, no more mess, no more embarrassment over being a college graduate who still owns a beer pong table. And if you drink with the AI, would that mean you're not drinking alone?

- Pretty impressive video. I don't know what would possess a man to try something like this, but definitely impressive



- One of my all-time favorite SNL animated bits. I saw it on TV once, and never saw it again. It's a shame most Americans are so apathetic toward Red China. Enjoy.

A short post today:

- What! Valerie Bertinelli is back on the market?! Awesome! Oh wait, I forgot, it's not 1982...


- I finally found it. The one scene that made Wayne's World 2 worth watching.

I was discussing the aforementioned Snake Plissken Memorial Playground with a colleague last week, wondering if other Army units erected memorials to fictional soldiers all over the former Yugoslavia. We laughed at the idea of a John Matrix Memorial Playground somewhere, or a statue of John Rambo somewhere, and one thing led to another, and I wondered, if we had to assemble a team of America’s greatest soldiers, who’d be on it? What if Kim Jong-il, Hugo Chavez, and that homeless guy running Iran got together for a conference on bringing down America, with Osama bin Laden has the keynote speaker, in the middle of Tehran. Who would we send to take them all out? (Short of going nuclear.)

So I laid out some ground rules for myself. First, we’ll limit the size of the team to twelve, plus one commanding officer, just like the Dirty Dozen. (Yes, I know Sgt. Bowren went on the mission too, but I have no idea why. For security? One sergeant against a dozen heavily-armed convicts with nothing to lose? Did he volunteer? For a suicide mission? He didn’t even train with the rest of the team.) Here are some other rules:

- Only live-action movie or TV characters only. Literary, cartoon, comic book or video game characters can only be included if they made it onto a live action movie and only their military service mentioned or shown in that particular movie or show can be considered. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Sgt. Major Avery Johnson, any member of G.I. Joe.

- Characters who are otherwise identical and portrayed by the same actor will be counted as one character.

- Characters must be regular humans, with no mutant, superhuman, or supernatural powers. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Master Chief John-117, Captain America, Nick Fury, Sgt. Andrew Scott, Pvt. Luc Devereaux.

- Each person must have served with a branch of the armed forces of the United States, or its logical successor states. Potential members disqualified by this rule: CDR James Bond, Col. Richard Sharpe, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas.

- Fictional characters only. It’d simply be unfair to open this up to real American heroes, portrayed in movies or not. A real person killing hundreds of Germans trumps a fictional character killing hundreds of Germans any day. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Audie Murphy, Alvin York.

And here’s the list:

- Major John Reisman (Lee Marvin, the Dirty Dozen.) Somebody has to lead the bunch, and why not the man the man that lead the original Dirty Dozen?

- Colonel John Matrix/Major Dutch Shaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando/Predator) Matrix and Shaefer were basically the same character. If they really wanted to, they could’ve written Predator to be a prequel of Commando.

- John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo series) A shell-shocked Vietnam vet who tears through a small town because of police brutality who later single handedly wins the Vietnam War and then later helps the Taliban…umm, did we mention him single handedly winning the Vietnam War?

- Colonel James Braddock/Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris, Missing in Action series/Delta Force series.) Basically, Chuck Norris with a machine gun. And who wouldn’t want that on their team?

- Lt. Robert “Snake” Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape from NY/LA.) A hero of World War III against the Soviets, later rescues the president from NY.

- Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland, 24 series.) Former Delta Force operator, later saves the world on several occasions.

- Frank Castle, aka, the Punisher (Thomas Jane, the Punisher.) Note, the Dolph Lundgren Frank Castle is not here, because in that movie, he was a cop. Delta Force veteran turned vigilante.

- Chief Petty Office Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege series.) Former Navy SEAL busted down to cook for striking an officer. Later saves the world twice.

- Master Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Beckett (Tom Berenger, Sniper.) The team needs a sniper, and he was the best of the candidates. (see below)

- Sergeant John M. Stryker (John Wayne, Sands of Iwo Jima.) NCOs hold the military together, and you won’t find one better than Sgt. Stryker.

- 2^nd Lieutenant James T. Wladislaw (Charles Bronson, the Dirty Dozen) Helped killed a whole chateau of German officers, along with their wives, mistresses, and one night stands. Survived to tell about it too, which is something only two other men can claim, one of which is already on the list.

- Private Jenette Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens.) Can you name one woman you’re more scared of? Of all the women in the world, wouldn’t you rather have her covering your ass over all others?

- Kyle Reese/Corporal Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn, the Terminator/Aliens.) The man/men took on terminators and xenomorphs, and at least lived to tell about the xenomorphs.

Who didn’t make it?

- Any member of the A-Team. Let’s face it, none of these guys can shoot.

- Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe (Daniel Day Lewis, Last of the Mohicans.) There were questions as to whether or not he was a member of the colonial militia, which would've made him qualify for the list.

- Sgt. Blain Cooper (Jesse Ventura, Predator.) When it comes to heavy machine guns, Vasquez was just that more effective than Blain. Blain got killed while holding his loaded minigun. Vasquez was only armed with a pistol when she finally killed herself.

- Robert T. Jefferson (Jim Brown, the Dirty Dozen.) The only other member of the Dirty Dozen who could’ve sniffed this list, it came down to a numbers game, and the fact that Wladislaw made it, and he didn’t. A close one otherwise.

- Ding Chavez and John Clark (Raymond Cruz and Willem Defoe, Clear and Present Danger.) As snipers go, I thought Thomas Beckett was better. And Clark wasn’t nearly as awesome in the movie as he was in the books. Remember, only the movies count. So until Without Remorse makes it to the big screen, Clark is out.

- Captain Benjamin Willard (Martin Sheen, Apocalypse Now.) He mopes about through half the movie, and does it really take that much to beat a bloated Marlon Brando to death? The comparison to killing a water buffalo was spot on.

Have I missed anyone? Objections? Suggestions? Let me know.

- Sly Stallone wants to remake Death Wish. Didn't Jodie Foster star in a Death Wish remake? Seriously, wrong time, wrong actor. New York simply isn't crawling with street crime like it was in the mid-seventies. It's make more sense if they set it in another city. Second, Sly Stallone? It's going to turn out like Rambo Takes Manhatten. It's Stallone! People expect him to blow away lowlifes on the street. For that same reason, I thought Bronson was a bad fit in the original. They should cast someone perceived as harmless, like William H. Macy. They should also cast someone who isn't white, unlike Macy, to remove any charges of racism, so instead of a white man gunning down brown people on the streets, it's just a guy gunning down thugs. If it were up to me, I'd cast Will Smith, Denzel Washington, Jimmy Smits, Benjamin Bratt, Don Cheadle, or Wayne Brady as Paul Kersey, and set the remake in Philadelphia.

- Speaking of Bronson, according to Wikipedia "Was considered and read for the part of the eponymous hero of Superman, which later went to Christopher Reeve." They actually got as far as having him read for the part? Wow. I can't even wrap my brain around the idea of Superman starring Charles Bronson. The same article also says Bronson was considered for the role of Snake Plissken, which I CAN see.


- New Indiana Jones movie, but no Short Round. What the hell? How 'bout some love, Dr. Jones?! They obviously had a need for a younger actor, that's why Shia LaBeouf is in it, but why couldn't that mean Short Round? We can finally find out what happened to him. Did Jones unceremoniously dump him off in some orphanage after Temple of Doom but before Raiders? Did he die on one of Indiana's adventures ala Jason Todd? We demand justice for Short Round!


- My thoughts exactly...


- A short writeup on dueling. I'd pay to see a duel with sledgehammers.


- Apparently, none of these guards get basic cable. Has anybody checked any local tubes filled with shit smelling foulness they can't even imagine yet? Just in case?


- I'm in the news!



- This might be the most violent thing I've ever seen on television. Needless to say, it was awesome...



- HUGE posting coming soon. It will be debated about for ... hours, at least. Stay tuned.

Just some links this time. And theoretically, I can update links more often:

Ike Turner died. Now OJ Simpson's title as World's Most Famous Wife Beater is undisputed.

Just what is it with Eastern Europe? First Bosnians unveil a statue of Bruce Lee. Then Hungarians name a bridge after Chuck Norris. Now a playground named for Snake Plissken. From the plaque, it looks like it was built by a US Army unit. Did they tell the people there that Snake Plissken was a real person? A celebrated American war hero?

Life imitates a John Woo movie. Can this be a good thing?

Stairway!

Just some videos I want to share:

- During the Battle of Midway, Torpedo Squadron 8 (VT-8) launched a strike against the Japanese carriers attacking Midway Island. Only one man came back alive. Director John Ford, who had his own Navy film unit during the war, realized later on while reviewing his footage that he had candid footage of these men before the strike. He then sent the footage to the family of those killed. I've long known the story of the VT-8, but to see their faces, painting faces on their torpedoes, mugging for the camera, it just drives the reality home.



- Once upon a time, it was okay to celebrate the achievements of Joseph Stalin and the Soviet Union. This was one of those times. And if anyone knows how to throw a parade, it's the Russians. Watch all four parts.



- In a related note, how can you hear the Soviet national anthem and not think of this scene?