Warning: Non-nerds may want to stay away.

I'm a geek, a nerd, a dork, what have you. I have no problem fessing up to that. A lot of my friends are also geeks/nerds/dorks. In invariably, Star Trek comes up. Sometimes it's the usual debates (best captain, etc) but sometimes, it's downright creepy, like whether or not photon torpedos are guided (I say no), whether or not the Constitution-class refit has a rearward firing torpedo launcher (I argued that it had to have one) and what Valeris' rank was in Star Trek VI (The movie said Lieutenant.) Somewhere in between there, was the debate over what was the better Star Trek movie, II or VI. In my mind, there's no debate at all, The Wrath of Khan all the way.

The two films are easy to compare, both being directed by Nicholas Meyer, who brought along many literary allusions with his script. The two films are two of the best of the best movies with the original cast (IV was a bit preachy and cheesy, sorry.) But a hundred years from now, it'll be II standing.

Where do I begin?

- Plot: The Wrath of Khan (TWOK) followed up an episode from the original series. True, most of the original series kinda sucked, but they picked a gem. Undiscovered Country (UC) had a pulled-from-the-headlines plot with the space Soviets (the Klingons) making peace with the space Americans (the Federation.) But only one films featured ear slugs. Winner: TWOK.

- Casting: The original cast was the original cast, although they seemed a lot younger and fresher in TWOK, with Shatner in T.J Hooker mode and DeForest Kelley still able to pull off the disco doc look. Shatner looked puffy for UC, and Scotty looked like he wouldn't be able to work within a Jeffrey's tube without a stick of butter. And of course, who could forget the decision to put Uhura back in a mini-skirt after all these years (because that's what we all want to see, a woman in her sixties in a mini-skirt and go go boots.) Both had young Vulcan women, although Saavik was supposed to be Valeris in UC. TWOK was Kirstie Alley's first role, so we got to see her before she annoyed the hell out of us on Cheers and creeped us out with anything afte Cheers. UC somehow managed to make Kim Cattrell look less than smoking hot. UC should lose this round on that alone. UC gets some points for finally putting Sulu in his own ship though. Winner: TWOK

- Villains: Wow, where do I start. TWOK had Ricardo Monteban spouting lines from Moby Dick. UC had Christopher Plummer spouting lines from Hamlet. Both a both a bit annoying after awhile, but Khan came off ten times as menacing as Chang. (Chang? Aren't the Romulans supposed to be the space Red Chinese?) But I gotta hand it to Khan here. Khan had the raw hatred, the thirst for revenge, and best of all, that accent that just rocketed him to the top. Winner: TWOK

- Presentation and execution: Both films were directed by the same guy, so both had the same feel to it, although the shameless redresses of the TNG sets that UC used were a bit obvious. But then again, TWOK used a lot of sets and stock footage from Star Trek I. Winner: Push.

- Nitpicking and loose ends: The prefix code is only five digits? You can lower a starship's shield with a mere five digit code? Why don't the Klingons or the Romulans have programs that send out every single five digit combination right before battle? If it really does take that long to get the Enterprise's torpedo launcher working (with the lifting of the floor grates and such,) how does the Enterprise instantly fire a torpedo at that asteroid in Star Trek I? And how could they be accused of firing a torpedo in UC? Can't they just say, "that's impossible, the floor grates are in place?" True, but Enterprise-A may have a different torpedo firing system than the original refit, but that doesn't explain the circumstances of Star Trek I. How come the Reliant doesn't notice that the Ceti Alpha system has less planets than before? And as an overall nit, is McCoy the worst doctor ever? I have never ever seen him save anyone's life. In fact, this is a doctor who's most famous line is pronouncing a patient dead ("He's dead, Jim.")

- Intangibles: Which film is more quotable? TWOK by a landslide. I can't even say the word "Khan" in any context without wanting to shout it out like Kirk did. ("China was invaded by Genghis ...KHAAAAN!") It had the ear worms, which was probably the single creepiest thing ever introduced in a Star Trek movie. Both Shatner and Monteban were extremely hammy in their roles, but Shatner in UC was awful. ("Fire!" puulease...) Most people may have never seen it, but James Doohan had his greatest scenes ever, in the scene where his nephew died. And finally, TWOK had the death of Spock, one of the most riveting scenes of the entire series. ("I am, and shall aways be, your friend.")

In the end, it's TWOK all the way. Let's put it this way: this was the only Star Trek film mentioned in "I love the 70's/80's/90's."

Recently pulled from the archives, this is a semi-column I wrote for the Review website over the summer of 2001. Despite being the only column submitted all summer, this was not published online because Schwartz was being an opportunistic dick who was using the Review website to promote his own writings, despiting not being on the staff. So here it is, a blast from the past. (Yes, it's very dated.)


What a Long Strange Summer It's Been...

The Million Mom March

Art tries to imitate life, so it's weird when life imitates art, and weirder still when that art is South Park. Case in point, the Million Mom March. They want more and more restrictions on legal gun ownership to, "Save the Children," as if a mob of rogue guns were floating around the neighborhoods like a pack of wolves, picking off random kids. You would've thought, after the back to back school shootings in San Diego and the gun-less school massacre in Japan, that they'd eventually realize that more gun laws just aren't the solution when people just want to kill. But these mothers, like the mothers in the South Park movie, blame everything other than themselves for the bad things that happen to their kids. Just a few questions to all those wannabe-Mrs. Broflawskis out there: Who's watching your kids when you're protesting in DC? Who's teaching them from right and wrong? Who's teaching them that guns aren't toys and shouldn't be played with? The Media? Do what you want to in your free time, but don't blame law-abiding gun owners because you don't know how to be a good parent.


The Death Penalty

Capital punishment got a lot of press this summer, starting with the play-by-play description of Timothy McVeigh's execution to Sandra Day O'Connor suddenly coming out against it. I followed the McVeigh execution coverage until it stopped, and I have to admit, it was a bit disturbing. I wasn't really disturbed by fact that someone was being put to death by the government, something I'm sure McVeigh would have seen as more ammunition for his anti-government stance, but by how medical the entire procedure was. I know doctors don't participate because of the Hippocratic oath, but how can they even stand by and watch? It was like an operation, but one where the patient was certain to die on the operating table. No wonder people are saying the death penalty isn't an effective crime deterrent—it doesn't give an aura of death. Executions in the old days were quite an affair, with the condemned climbing the stairs to the scaffold, with blood squirting from a stump where the head was, with the executioner in a black hood. People would fear the sight of the scaffold, the block or the noose. But today, executions are administered via a needle. Everyone gets shots though, some people, routinely. But no one routinely has his head hacked off or his neck broken.

Having realized that fundamental flaw of lethal injection, I looked up other methods used in the U.S. The only other methods offered were the electric chair, the gas chamber, the firing squad, and hanging; but almost all of the states that have those other methods also offer lethal injection, and I can't imagine anyone preferring to be electrocuted or suffocated as opposed to getting a shot. Let's face it, pumping thousands of volts through a person is messy, and the sight of a smoking corpse emitting the foul smell of burnt hair and flesh only gives more ammunition to the anti-death penalty crowd. And that's only when it works properly. Half of the botched execution horror stories used by the anti-death penalty people are about people bursting into flames, convulsing, or needing several more shocks to actually die. They have a good point. The more complicated you make a procedure, the more likely it is that something is going to screw up. Hell, hangmen actually needed to know math to be able to avoid the embarrassment of having the condemned strangle to death or having his or her head pop off upon reaching the end of the rope. Even the most unsophisticated method, the firing squad, stands the chance of failing if all of the marksmen miss.

Thus, why don't we steal a play from Red China and go with the simple bullet to the head? Those who know me know that I rarely have anything nice to say about those red bastards, but when they're right, they're right. It's almost impossible to screw up shooting someone in the head. You can't really miss at point blank range, and if you shoot the condemned in the right place, it's painless (thank you John Steinbeck.) Traditionally, someone is suppose to put a bullet in the condemned man's head after being shot by the firing squad anyway, so why not cut out the middle man? A deterrent is no good if no one is afraid of it, and right now, criminals just don't seem to be afraid of the needle anymore.

And Speaking of Red China

People are pissed-off that the Reds are harvesting organs from executed prisoners, sometimes even using their skin (ewwww…..). The Reds figure, "Hey, if the guy is already dead, why don't we grab his internal organs or his corneas and help some people out?” Meanwhile, back in the U.S., with this debate about stem cell research going on, people say, "I have a problem with scientists creating embryos just for the stem cells, but hey, if the fetus or embryo is dead anyway, why don't we grab some stem cells and help some people out?" So, why the hypocrisy? Why are we so outraged by the Reds practicing "waste not want not" while we're doing the same? Some would argue that the Reds are going down a slippery slope, now having the incentive to execute prisoners just to get their organs—though I don't see how that could be any worse than what they're doing already. And what of the slippery slope that is taking stem cells from discarded fetuses or embryos? What's stopping scientists from aborting more fetuses or embryos just to get more stem cells?

Ultimately, this stem cell debate will test the commitment of those who have long considered themselves pro-life and will separate those who believe in the sanctity of life against those who do it to advance themselves politically. Already, Nancy Reagan has come out for it because it might, stress MIGHT, help those in the future with Alzheimers. Meanwhile, the Pope has come out against it, despite the fact that stem cell research could help others like him suffering from Parkinson's disease.


The Yanks are in first, a Republican is in the White House, and all is well…

So I watched the All-Star game a few weeks ago, and couldn't help but notice what a Cal Ripken lovefest it turned out to be. Don't get me wrong, Ripken is a great player, but stopping the game to give him an award? But anyway, everyone knows about Cal and the Streak, and the three dirt farmers in Sri-Lanka who haven't heard of the Streak yet will surely have heard about it come Cal's last game on September 30th. But let's not forget Lou Gehrig, who Cal had to beat to earn his place in history. To me, Gehrig is the American Dream personified, albeit with a tragic ending. He was the son of German immigrants, his father a janitor, his mother a cleaning lady, who got into Columbia but had to wait tables to pay for it, married a nice girl, played for the greatest franchise in sports, the New York Yankees, and arguably the greatest team in baseball history, the 1927 Yankees. Cal's streak ended because Cal felt like it, Gehrig's streak ended when the disease that eventually killed him no longer allowed him to play. Even though it seemed like life took a big crap on him, he didn't let it get him down. He was involved in charitable work until he could no longer walk. Denis Leary once said, quite callously (what did you expect, he's a Red Sox fan,) "Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease, who saw that coming?" and pointed out that Gehrig lead a clean life, yet died early, while teammate Babe Ruth drank, smoked, whored, and outlived him by seven years. Yes, it's ironic, and it's sad that the name Lou Gehrig to people today means a disease, and not a great ballplayer. Sure, Cal has rightfully earned his place amongst baseball's greats, but he did so surpassing one of baseball's greatest and a true American hero.

No, Seriously, the Red Sox Will Go All the Way!

Ok, not really. I just wanted to say that to curse them. May the curse of the Bambino curse you, your children, their children, and their children, and so forth. But hey, I'm not a mean guy. If the Red Sox do stand a good chance of taking out my beloved Yanks or even the Mariners, I'll stand by them, and I'll root for them to win the pennant and go the World Series, where I'll root for the Cubs to pull off a squeaker in seven. And when, yes, when the Red Sox lose, there will be a gloom over the Red Sox nation, people will tear their clothes, dress in sackcloth, pour ashes over their heads, curse Harry Frazee for thinking Babe Ruth wasn't worth as much as funding a musical and ask the Lord why He has done this to them. Then they'll realize that the Sox getting crapped on is nothing new, get piss drunk, pass out and wait for St. Patrick's day.

Been a long time since my last posting, so I got a lot on my mind this time. Again, more random thoughts:

- Softball injury update: In addition to the balky right hamstring, I hurt my left wrist in a collision at first base a week and a half ago. It was my first time playing first, and the throw from third was wide to the left, and I collided with the runner as I ranged into the basepath to catch the ball. At least I kept the runner from taking the extra base on the overthrow. I hope it's just a sprain. In addition to that, I got drilled in the back today on an errant throw to home. Yeah, that's going to leave a mark.

- I may be the last person anyone would expect to say this, but I feel sorry for Bill Buckner. With Edgar Martinez retiring after this season, everyone is talking about his Hall of Fame chances, but Buckner had 500+ more hits, yet no one talks about him. The man has 2700+ hits, yet his career gets boiled down to one moment in time. Yeah, the Red Sox lost, but the 1986 World Series was the FOURTH one that they lost in seven games. It's not like he helped blow Game 7. Never mind that the bullpen blew a two run lead with one out to go, it's Bill Buckner who'll forever live in infamy. The poor guy had to move to Idaho, IDAHO(!), to escape. The man had a decent career, but whenever people hear his name, that's all that'll come to mind. What a shame...

- So AMC has the rights to the Rocky films now, and I watched all of Rocky II for the first time recently. A few things I noticed: 1) Apollo must've really done a number on Rocky in that first fight, because Rocky is practically retarded in II, 2) Somehow, his eye suddenly got better for the later movies. The way Drago was hitting him, Rocky should be freakin' blind by now, if not dead, 3) Rocky couldn't do commercials in II, but someone, not only could he do commercials in III, he was hosting the Muppet Show. That's a big leap from not being able to read cue cards, 4) and most importantly, has anyone else noticed how HOT Apollo's wife is? (At least in I and II.)

- Speaking of hot sistas, apparently Rick Fox and Vanessa Williams are getting a divorce. Does he realize that a) he's just another crappy benchwarmer without her, and b) despite her age, she and Halle Berry are the Shaq and Kobe of hot black chicks? And if we're going to go with the basketball analogy, I guess Tyra Banks would be the Karl Malone and Beyonce would be the Gary Payton, with Vivica A. Fox pulling up as Derek Fisher.

- I really don't think I can ever get tired of watching Star Trek II. It is, by far, the best Star Trek film. No Star Trek film is anywhere as near as quotable. If they want to save the film franchise, the clowns that pull the strings now should get on their knees and BEG Nicholas Meyer to come back.

- Rambo II made me who I am today. It just goes to show you that an angry man on a mission of vengeance armed with a very large knife is capable of ANYTHING.

- KITT from Knight Rider was up for auction on eBay a few weeks back, and I told one of my co-workers that if I had the money, I'd buy KITT an drive him (it?) to work everyday. He scoffed, saying that 40 Gs were too much for a 1983 Trans Am. (He's an Italian guy from New Jersey, so I guess he would know his black Trans Ams.) But I had to explain to him, IT'S KNIGHT RIDER! Think about it, KITT is probably one of the only iconic Hollywood cars that you could actually drive around without drawing too much unwanted attention. Driving around the General Lee or the Batmobile would draw way too much attention. KITT though would blend right in, until of course he got that red scanner working. It's subtle, yet distinctive. The only other cars I could think of that would be cool to drive around but wouldn't draw too much attention would be the A-Team van, the black faux-Ferrari from Miami Vice, and the red Ford Gran Torino from Starsky and Hutch. Any others?

- So Bloodsport came up at work last week. I guess we have a thing for cheesy action movies from the eighties at work. Anyway, I think the WWF missed a huge opportunity when they didn't bring in Bolo Yeung to play Chong Li as a wrestler. Think about it, he'd be perfect! The perfect villain, with the crazy eyes, the huge pecs, and the cheesy dialog. And plus, it'd give us Asian kids our own wrestling hero. (No, Yokozuna didn't count.) On a side note, why didn't they ever bring in a real life Zangief? Think of how many copies of Street Fighter 2 that would've sold for Capcom. And how come we're noting seeing a modern incarnation of the Iron Sheik in the WWE? Let's face it, the Islamic extremists we face today threaten us much more than Iran ever did. If you can have a French tag team be villains, than a new Iron Sheik definitely has a place.

- Somehow, William Hung has figured out a way to utterly embarass over a billion people at once. Please, William, take your money, your UC Berkeley degree, and STOP!

- I am what some may refer to as a "gun nut," but I have to say, I'm not a hunter. I'll say it, to kill another living thing for pleasure is not only unsporting, it's sick and barbaric. If deer could shoot back, then sure, by all means, fire away, but until they do, hunters are exterminators, not sportsmen. There's the argument that deer are a threat, and that hunters thin out the population. Well then, you're exterminators. If they really were that big a threat, they'd call in the Army National Guard and they'd send choppers flying over the forest with guys firing machine guns. But I'm not going to try to stop people fromm hunting. If that's what they want to do, fine.

- One thing I can't stand are guys who drive Crown Vics who go really fast in the fast lane and tailgate you like they're cops, but once you move over, you find out they're just civilian schmucks in Crown Vics. Dickheads...

- You know, what is it with those Darwin fish on the backs of cars? What do they have against people with Jesus fish? A Jesus fish professes someone's faith, and the Darwin fish mocks just one aspect of it. Why are mocking the religious beliefs of others in the first place? Once again, further proof and making fun of Christians is widely accepted.

- Finally, on the state of the Yankees:
A) Bernie Williams has to learn how to play first base. I think it's obvious that Bernie's days in center field are numbered, especially with Carlos Beltran on the market this winter. If far less athletic men like Mo Vaughn or Cecil Fielder can play first base, then dammit, you can do it too Bernie. Besides, there's no shame in it. Even Mickey Mantle shifted over to first eventually. What ball player in his right mind would prefer to DH rather than learn a relatively new position to stay on the field? For as much money as he'll be earning over the next two years, he should be maximizing his worth.

B) Get a lefty specialist. Why the hell they traded Gabe White and not Felix Heredia is beyond me. And now they got C.J. Nitkowski? He doesn't even have to be left-handed. Or they can't find a young lefthander in their farm system, and lock him up with Ron Guidry in Tampa and now allow him to leave until he learns Guidry's slider?

C) Don't sign Pedro. First off, he's a punk, and the Yankees don't need that. Sure, the Yanks have had drunks, drug abusers, and even wife swappers, but Pedro is a punk. Besides, he isn't what he used to be.