Ugh, I have to update this damned thing. I promise, I will get to it.

I originally made a decision not to watch any of the 2008 Summer Olympics. For one thing, the Olympics in general don’t really interest me. The shameless commercialism also turns me off. (Although, I am writing this as I’m sucking down two cans of Coke. I’m such a sheep.) Oh, and this year’s Olympics are a showcase for a morally reprehensible regime who’s very existence I’m offended by. But I just couldn’t pass up the parade of nations. Now, with profound apologies to Bill Simmons, I present my running diary of the Parade of Nations from the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics. (Not live, of course, and with a DVR delay.)


9:20: And here we go! Our commentators are Bob Costas and Matt Lauer. Not a bad pairing, they could’ve gone with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Greece leads off, as usual. The stadium is ringed with…cheerleaders? I wonder if they’re going to stay out there the entire time.

9:23: Turkmenistan comes out, and according to the commentators, the president of Turkmenistan personally approved of the team uniforms. Apparently the guy loves puke green.

9:24: I don’t know who’s picking the music, but it’s really weird when you have Yemen marching out to “Scotland the Brave.”

9:26: Out comes Malaysia. There appear to be three variations of costumes: tracksuits, suits that look like flight attendant uniforms, and regional dress. Malaysia went all out on the regional dress. Meanwhile, Mali and Malawi just marched out to “Scotland the Brave.”

9:28: And they cut to commercial! Which countries get screwed over? And since this is all tape delayed, why are they skipping over countries at all?

9:33: Belgium marches out wearing some of the ugliest suits I’ve ever seen. Come on Belgium, you can do better than that.

9:34: Here comes Israel. For some reason, Israel does horribly in the Olympics when it comes to medal count. You’d think in a country where almost everyone is in good shape and can shoot would at least have a couple of team sports or shooting medals. Or maybe it's because they're preoccupied with other things, like fighting for their existence.

9:35: Japan comes out wearing classy blue blazers. Is the Chinese crowd going to let them have it? Alas, no. Ironically, they’re waving Red Chinese flags, an interesting reversal of fortune.

9:36: Ah, Taiwan…er, I mean, Chinese Taipei, proudly waving their non-flag. And when they win a medal, they can bask in their non-anthem. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have stayed home. My parents are no doubt cheering like crazy right about now.

9:37: Hong Kong has its own Olympic team? Does Macau have one too?

9:38: Gambia comes out in traditional costume. Two people on the team stand out: a SMOKING hot black chick and a white guy. You know, if you’ve got a white guy on your team, maybe you should forgo traditional African dress. One of the commentators points out how the white guy coordinated his glasses to match his outfit. Too bad he couldn’t coordinate his skin color to match his outfit.

9:39. I take it back, there are four types of costumes. I say that because the Danes just marched out looking like tourists in capri pants and polo shirts.

9:40: The Ukrainian team apparently turned to Captain Kangaroo for inspiration for their blazers. Wow, I don’t know what’s uglier, the Belgian jackets or these. I think these. I can’t imagine any situation where it’d be okay to wear a teal and yellow blazer.

9:45: According to Matt Lauer, Paraguay’s flag has two different sides. I did not know that.

9:48: Pakistan comes out in some very nice looking olive drab green blazers. Very nice.

9:50: Morgan Freeman does a voiceover for a Visa commercial. What if he had been killed in that car accident he was in earlier this week? Wouldn’t hearing him hawk Visa cards be a bit creepy? Would they get someone else to re-record all of the commercials? What if he was a coma? Am I the only one that wonders about these things?

9:53: Reviewing the passed over nations, the Burundians (Burundians? Is that right) actually carry spears as part of their national dress. Now THAT’S national dress. And Bob Costas correctly pronounces Qatar. (It’s pronounced “gutter.”) I got taught the proper pronunciation in seventh grade, and haven’t heard anyone pronounce it correctly ever since.

9:54: India has 1.1 billion people, yet only 56 athletes. It’s unfortunate that the sport the country is absolutely crazy about, cricket, just happens to not be an Olympic sport. Probably something to do with the fact that it takes five days to play a match. Meanwhile, I almost spit up my drink when I saw a SMOKING hot Indian chick. Quick cut to President Bush who looks bored out of his mind. He actually looked at his watch. Wow, that was awkward.

9:56: The Lithuanians go for the tourist look too, except with lime green polos. Does the Lithuanian flag have lime green in it?

9:59: Canada tries again to be on the leading edge of fashion. Frankly, they’re trying a bit too hard, because their outfits are hideous. On the other hand, there are plenty of good looking women on that Canadian team. Do you think they push all the better looking ladies toward the edge of the crowd so they get more camera time? Is there a group of plainer looking women on the inside of the crowd?

10:03: Laos and Armenia march in to “Scotland the Brave.” Alright already.

10:05: Liechtenstein comes in to mariachi music. I don’t know if that’s an improvement over the bagpipe music.


10:07: Matt Lauer points out the loud cheer from the Chinese crowd for the Iraqi team. Thanks, not that you guys did anything to help let that happen…

10:09: Hungary marches and the ladies are wearing flowery dresses that make them look like grandmothers in their Sunday best. Even Matt Lauer and Bob Costas are busting on them. Hungary’s reputation for fine ladies just took a huge hit.

10:13: Guam has a 399lb guy on their judo team. When I first saw him, I actually thought sumo wrestling had been added as an Olympic event. And why does Guam have their own Olympic team?

10:14: The Jordanian flag bearer is SMOKING hot. Good God! Yes, they are that good looking, and not that’s based on the fact that I don’t get out much.

10:16: Bob Costas points out that the Croatia’s flag bearer is the best handball player in the world. Naturally, that means the vast majority of Americans have no idea who he is. Or what handball is.

10:17: The cheerleaders ringing the stadium are still at it. What are they on? Meanwhile, another shot of Bush, looking somewhat interested now. Maybe the hot Jordanian chicks piqued his interest.

10:21: Bob Costas pronounced Cape Verde Cape VERD. Hmm, I always thought it was Cape VAIR-DAY. Which way is correct?

10:24: There’s a 14 year old kid on the British team. This beats any sleep away camp. There’s one British Olympic team, yet separate English, Scottish, and presumably Welsh and Northern Irish soccer teams. Why is that? Hong Kong and Guam have their own Olympic teams, yet they’d never have their own soccer teams.

10:28: No boos for France, much to the surprise of Bob and Matt. Well, if they’re not booing Japan, Taiwan, or France, who will they boo? Oh yeah, the US.

10:29: The women of the Polish team are clearly overdressed, in nice red gowns. It works for me.

10:30: Puerto Rico has their own team?

10:34: (Really, how far back did Sacha Baron Cohen push Kazakhstan?) They’re followed by Bulgaria, and one of the commentators mentions Jordan Jovtchev, veteran Olympic gymnast. Dorks like me know him however, as Jordan Jovtchev, repeat Ninja Warrior contestant.

10:35: The Russian flag bearer is AK-47 himself, Andrei Kirilenko. (One of the all-time great sports nicknames, in my opinion.) Cut to Putin waving to the team, no doubt minutes after he ordered Russian tanks to roll into Georgia.

10:37: Cheers for the USA! They like us, they really like us. Cut to Bush, who wakes up and stands to wave to the team. Jenny Finch looks spectacular, as usual. The US uniform is classy, white slacks, blue blazers with the Olympic emblem, and a white flatcap, but I don’t know if you’d wear it anywhere else.

10:41: Budweiser runs a commercial extolling how American it is, hoping that everyone conveniently forgets that they got bought up by the Belgians a few weeks ago.

10:45: The cheerleaders appear to be slowing down. Can’t blame them, they’ve been on their feet and waving their arms nonstop for an hour and 15 minutes now. Cut again to President Bush, and he looks bored out of his mind again.

10:51: Here comes Georgia! Do you suppose most Americans knew there was a country called Georgia? Because if they didn’t, then CNN’s headline “Russia Invades Georgia” will freak out a lot of people. Do you think these athletes know? Boy, this is awkward…

10:52: According to Matt Lauer, Ireland has the fastest growing population in Europe. Well, what did he expect, the sale of condoms was illegal until a few years ago. Fashion-wise, they’re the first team tonight to wear blazers you can actually wear to a business meeting later on.

10:54. Kiribati is taking the national dress thing a little two far. (Well, not as far as Burundi.) But they’ve got two guys on the team who look like they’re wearing the Rock’s old costume back from when he was Rocky Maivia.

11:00: There’s a white guy on the South Korean team. How the hell did that happen?

11:02: “Scotland the Brave” starts up again right as the North Koreans start marching in. This really has to stop.

11:06: Sweden upholds their reputation for hot ladies. The guys are in blazers, but the ladies are in what looks like traditional Chinese dresses, but in teal and yellow. Very nice, it definitely works. I hope the rest of the countries drop the androgynous outfits and dress up the ladies soon.

11:08: Nike rolls out what is probably their greatest commercial since “Move,” set to the chorus to the Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Beautiful.



11:13: So how do they organize the Cyprus team? Is it half Turkish and half Greek?

11:16: Dirk Nowitzki leads the German team out. Every time I see him I’ve reminded of how he and Pat Garrity got traded for Robert Traylor on draft night in 1998. Yes, that really happened. In other news, the Germans are only the second team wearing a suit that they’d be able to wear in real-life situations. They’re also unusually festive, which makes me wonder if they spent the time waiting getting sloshed.

11:23: The Red Chinese team comes out, and they finally do something about the music, abruptly cutting the bagpipe music for something that sounds generically Oriental. Yao Ming is carrying the flag. He’s the fourth NBA player to be carrying the flag tonight, following Manu Ginobili, AK-47, and Dirk Nowitzki He rehabbed from his season ending injury just in time go play in the Olympics so he can help the Red Chinese team get crushed by the US. There’s a nine year old kid who, according to Bob and Matt, survived the earthquake, dug himself out, went out, and helped to classmates out. He’s in front of a worldwide audience waving a big chicom flag, which, unfortunately, is upside down. They’ll probably send him to a reeducation cap until he’s eighteen for that. The crowd goes wild, with a huge swell of Red Chinese pride, which promptly makes me want to puke my guts out.

11:40: Ah, nothing says Olympic spirit like the Olympic flag…being raised by eight goose-stepping PLA soldiers…

11:43: It’s been twenty minutes since the Red Chinese team first came out, and the kid’s flag is still upside down. Yao has the kid in his arms now, so they’re eye to eye, and the kid is waving the flag right in Yao’s face, yet it looks like Yao doesn’t notice. I noticed this twenty minutes ago watching it on tape and DVR delay on a 27 inch regular definition television, and Yao can’t see it live and a foot from his face?

11:54: I have to give credit where credit is due, that wire-assisted run around the rim of the stadium and the torch lighting was pretty damn cool. Here I thought they were going to allow a Tibetan monk to light himself on fire and then push him in.

And that’s it for the Parade of Nations and the lighting of the torch. Years from now, people will reflect on these games and recognize that maybe it was the cheerleaders who performed the greatest athletic feats in these games. Two and a half hours of jumping around and swinging your arms, acting excited. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my regular schedule of refusing to watch the games.

I know I haven't posted in awhile, but things have been hectic. I have been setting stuff aside to post though, so when I do post for real, it'll be huge. In the meantime, enjoy the greatest campaign video ever made. If you're not a bit teary by the end, all I can say it, go back to Russia comrade!

Part 1



Part 2

- With Pitchers and Catchers Report Day tomorrow, this link has some interesting information regarding that other holiday. Who knew Henry VIII was such a romantic?

- If you went to the link above, then you should be as appalled as I was when I read about the Alexandra Hospital Massacre. Every wonder why everybody in Asia who lived through WWII hates the Japs? That's why.

- The evolution of tech logos. Fascinating...

- I'm not shocked by these geeky babies, I'm just shocked that their geek parents were able to find mates to reproduce with...

- And finally, another ongoing feature, this post's featured Jet Li fight:



This was a scene from Fist of Legend, which was a remake of a Bruce Lee film, Fist of Fury. (The corresponding scene in below.) Notice how Jet Li just goes in there like the kung fu equivalent of Luke Skywalker going to Jabba's palace in ROTJ. The man doesn't even take off his freakin' shoes. Meanwhile, Bruce Lee hot dogs it and takes the time to take his shirt off. (Too be fair, if I had Bruce Lee's physique, I'd never wear a shirt.) If you can only see one Jet Li movie, let it be Fist of Legend.

- It's Super Tuesday! Once again, I got a sample ballot from the state of New Jersey, and once again I was tempted to vote, but I just don't know who to vote for. I do think it's funny that people paint John McCain as too liberal and Mitt Romney as a true conservative. Mitt Romney is the former Governor of Massachusetts, while John McCain is a current Senator from Arizona. I'm supposed to believe that a man who once won a state-wide election in the same state that has gainfully employed liberal icon Ted Kennedy for 45 years is a true conservative? A state that hasn't elected a Republican Senator in my lifetime? How conservative can Romney be? Especially compared to a man who's been a Senator from a state that's been solidly Republican for all but one presidential election since the Truman administration? And frankly, if Ann Coulter wants to campaign for Hillary, she'll hear no argument from me. (From the same article, Ann, as the only presidential candidate this year who's been tortured, I think he'd know a thing or two about it.)

- ...because nothing says Carnival like a Holocaust float...

- "Mr. Delgado, say hello to Michael Vick. He'll be keeping you company during your stay in the hottest place in Hell."

- In dork news...

- Remember what I said about old ads? (See below.) Most of these are dated, but the Flintstones one is downright evil.

- Silly foreigners...

- I can't be happier that Johan Santana ended up on the Mets. The Yanks get to keep Hughes, Kennedy, Melky, and Alan Horne/Jose Tabata/Jeffrey Marquez/whoever. Best of all, Boston doesn't get him. But if it's true that Minnesota offered Santana for just Kennedy, Melky, and a prospect, I say go for it.

- Count me as someone who was in Drew Henson's camp. And for the record, Tom, we are SO SORRY for ever doubting you...

And finally...

- Hey Pats fans, if you guys are so much smarter, then tell me, what's the winning percentage of a team with a win-loss record of 18-1? And really, I didn't need the article to tell me that Pats fans are more classy, the picture of the guy with the dirty Pats jersey and facepaint with the champagne would've told me that. I mean, come on, it's champagne...

- This chart might be the most remarkable thing I've seen in months. Why is that?

1) Rambo only killed one guy, the abusive deputy, in all of First Blood, no one seems to remember that, including myself.
2) The man who compiled the list is none other than John Mueller, who currently holds the Woody Hayes Chair for National Security Studies at THE Ohio State University (and tire center.) The man is a professor at THE OSU, and he went through the entire Rambo series counting stats?
3) John Mueller, in addition to holding the Woody Hayes Chair for National Security studies and being a huge Rambo fan, is also a professor of dance at THE OSU. What?
4) There’s such thing as a Woody Hayes Chair for National Security Studies at THE Ohio State University.

-This is why you can’t let dorks have money…

- One thing I love is old commercials or ads, because more than anything, it reflects the values of the day. Some of these...wow.

- While we're talking about ads reflecting the values of the day, I remembered this ship's emblem that I saw at the submarine museum in Groton a few years back. Meanwhile, we still have a professional sports franchise called the "Redskins."

- I guess that's one way to make "Hey Ya" tolerable...

- Well it's about freakin' time. Wrath of Khan only came out what, twenty-five years ago?

- Obsolete war plan about invading Canada. Obsolete now, not because no one wants to do it, but because the UK is no longer a credible threat.

- In dork news...

- TNT has been running Stealth ad nauseum lately, and it's the latest example of a B-movie script coupled with an A-movie budget. I don't think you'll see a better looking, yet horrible movie. I watched half of it again just because the special effects were absolutely incredible, despite the fact that the script was probably originally written in crayon. How is it they never made a video game out of this movie? The flying scenes looked like they could've been lifted out of an Ace Combat game, yet no one thought to translate Stealth into a video game?

- My parents have recently gotten into ballroom dancing, and I saw them watching what looked to be like th chinese version of Dancing with the Stars one day. They were surprised to learn that there was actually an American version of the show as well. Every season, I look at the roster out of curiosity and some names stick out. Some for comedic reasons (Cliff Clavin) some for morbid reasons (Heather Mills) and others, like Scary Spice and Joey Fatone, because they'd have a built in advantage, having dance backgrounds (incidentally, both were runners-up in their respective seasons.) It'd be like if Congress played flag football, in the late nineties, except the Republicans would have JC Watts and Steve Largent on their team. Thus, why not just go all out and do a season of just stars with dancing backgrounds. Just off the top of my head:

Paula Abdul, former Laker Girl and choreographer, she's no stranger to reality TV

Gates McFadden, former choreographer, actress, and MILF, doesn't really seem busy at the moment

Rosie Perez, former Fly Girl, haven't seen her in anything in about a decade

Britney Spears, train wreck, needs all the good publicity she can get, plus a good excuse to get into shape again.

MC Hammer, former pop star, needs to put food on the table.

Patrick Swayze, actor, has studied dance all his life

Christopher Walken, actor, former song and dance man, might be too big a name to do this, but then again, if he'd do Ball of Fury, he'd do anything.

Mikhail Baryshnikov, actor/dancer, why not pull out the big guns?

And that's just off the top of my head. I can think of others (Madonna, J-Lo) who also have dance backgrounds, but are probably too big for it. Come on, ABC, let's get this done!


- And finally...(why is the guy dressed as the Riddler?)

- Grandma's only got a week to live, so you DRIVE to Arkansas? Grandma's only got a week to live, and you take her to see Arkansas?

- Seeing the commercials for I Am Legend made me wonder how long it would take nature to reclaim a huge city like NYC. Now we have some idea.

- And I thought went to a weird school...

- I always wanted to play this in basketball band...



- Hehe...

- Gorgeous, absolutely gorgeous.

- This combines two of my great loves: geography and stereotypes.

- The Boston Red Sox were the last baseball team to integrate, famously passing on both Jackie Robinson and Willie Mays along the way, yet the Bruins were the first team in the NHL to integrate. Go fig...

- "[Reagan] was openly -- openly-- intolerant of unions and the right to organize. He openly fought against the union and the organized labor movement in this country." - John Edwards

Someone kindly inform John Edwards that Ronald Reagan was the only president to have experience as the head of a labor union (the Screen Actor's Guild, `47-`52, `59-`60.) All that hair gel must be seeping into his brain.

- Dorks are coming out of the woodwork...

- Ewww...

- So I FINALLY watched the Goonies. A lot of my friends had been stunned that I haven't seen it, but I've finally done it. I liked it, although I wanted to punch Chunk in the face for about half the movie. A) he was really annoying, and B) he was making us fat kids look bad. I think I would've lost my mind over the girl that played Andy if I had seen it when I was a kid, the fact that she spend most of the movie wet and in a mini-skirt didn't help. The DVD had a bonus feature which had the commentary by all the Goonies, and you got to see them as adults, and let me say, she's still a good looking woman.

- That brings us to the next point: I renew my call for Steven Spielberg to bring back Short Round in the upcoming Indiana Jones movie. Marcus Brody came back in Last Crusade, Sallah came back in Last Crusade, heck, even Marian Ravenwood is coming back in the next one. If they don't want him on screen, at least acknowledge him in dialogue, like a phone call to him "hey Short Round, I spoke to Professor Smith at Stanford, and he's willing to give you a position on his staff once you finish your dissertation," or "Yeah, the kid in the picture is Short Round. He died during the Japanese occupation of Shanghai." Something. ANYTHING.

- The news of the Robotech live action movie reminded me of my previous idea of just reimagining Macross as a means to get around the copyright issues between the Japanese copyright holders and Harmony Gold, who own Robotech. If they just reimagine it, ala BSG, wouldn't that work around the issues? The names are already different, it's just the images and designs that are identical. Change those, and it should become an all new entity.

- Rudy won't sign a Packers hat, but he'll root for the Red Sox? Rudy, you are not a fan, but a whore.

- Factoid of the Day That May Only Interest Me (with apologies to Peter King): The US produced half a million Purple Hearts in 1945 in anticipation of the massive casualties expected from the planned invasion of the Japanese home islands. We dropped the bomb, the invasion was canceled, and we've been working our way through that supply of Purple Hearts ever since.

- That's a little tragic. Reminiscent of the story of Ira Hayes.

- Great list, every one of these fights belongs, but the Anchorman rumble was easily the best thing about the movie.

- Ummm, who's still taking vacations in Colombia?

- It's interesting that someone actually records these stats. Why do people predominately jump off of one side rather than the other?

- Wikipedia featured this article the other day. In other news, once upon a time, Belgium actually invaded someone.

- Speaking of Belgians, I work with a lot of them, so I probably know more things about the country than most Americans. But when I tried to think of famous Belgians, all I could come up with was Jean Claude Van Damme and Adolph Sax. I bet most people wouldn't even have Adolph Sax (inventor of the saxophone.) Apparently, trying to think of famous Belgians is a parlor game in the UK. So, how many famous Belgians can YOU think of?

- One last bit on Belgians: RSDb only has four slurs for Belgians, none of which are even that bad, as opposed to twenty-two for the Dutch.

- Perhaps one of the greatest scenes ever filmed. I'll admit it, I get chills every time I see it. Incidentally, I'd like to point out that 35 years after the completion of Apollo 17, the twelve Americans who walked on the moon are still the only human beings to ever walk on the moon. No other country has even sent men beyond Earth's orbit.



- Here one way the Muppets can find acceptance among today's youth, spoof a rated R movie. What's next, the Muppets spoofing Pulp Fiction? (Kermit: "Miss Piggy is nice. The Pigs in Space are nice." Gonzo: "Ratso can bake me a pumpkin pie, but that doesn't mean I'd befriend the filthy motherfucka.")



- The Dana Carvey Show only ran for six episodes, and was easily the best sketch from those six.




- Oh come on, a live action Robotech movie? Why not just a live action Macross movie? And will it include Minmei?


- The greatest game show ever.

Many people I've mentioned this to have compared it to the Running Man. If they've basically made a game show out of Grand Theft Auto, why not Running Man? Here's my pitch:

It'd be very similar to Special Forces Manhunt on the Military Channel, the difference being, instead of a trained former SAS man like Chris Ryan, it'd be just a regular contestant, and instead of exotic locals like a jungle or a desert, they'd use the abandoned city of Prypiat in the Ukraine. The city was built to house the employees of the Chernobyl power plant, and was abandoned after the accident. (The radiation can't be that bad if they allow tours there.) Let's face it, there aren't that many large abandoned cities out there. Instead of Stalkers, the hunters would be a squad of guest special forces units from all over the world. The contestant would wear a head mounted miniature camera and have an hour head start, and would have 24 hours to reach four checkpoints in no particular order without the hunters finding and shooting them first. The hunters would be armed with paint ball guns, and if the contestant is shot with a paint ball, the game is over. The contestant would only be armed with four paint grenades, and if a hunter is painted, then they're out of the game. The action would be covered by cameras mounted all over the city, as well as cameras on a hunters and the contestant. I don't know about you, but I'd watch.

- This will never be topped. Not only did the band just spell it out a few moments prior, but it's also the state with the fewest letters. Oh, and BTW, Ohio State still lost. Just wanted to remind everyone of that...

- RIP Sir Edmund Hillary. One thing about him that I almost found fascinating was the fact that his face was on the New Zealand five dollar note. Mind you, in most places of the world, the only living people that were allowed on money would be the reigning sovereign. Here in America, no living people are allowed on money, or stamps. But not only was Hillary not a monarch, he was still alive, and he had never been an elected official. Up until Peter Jackson or Lucy Lawless came along, he was probably the first person most people thought of when asked to name a New Zealander. I always wondered if he ever pulled out a five dollar bill when people asked to see a government issued photo ID, because I'd do it all the time.

- I've posted about the show Ninja Warrior before, and I believe they've outdid themselves. If watching guys trying to work their way through an impossibly tough obstacle course was entertaining, watching women do it is way better. Since they reconfigured the course to emphasize balance instead of raw strength, there aren't any freakishly ripped women (well, except for that wrestler who I couldn't tell was a woman,) and it's usually gymnasts, dancers, and runners who do the best. And I don't think I have to explain myself if I admit that watching gymnasts, dancers and runners bounce and run their way though an obstacle course is ... strangely compelling. The only downside is I'm now more than fully aware of the poor state of dental care in Japan, but you can't have everything.

The woman in the clip below isn't the hottest one, but she's clearly the Michael Jordan of the competition, having won the competition three times.

- Those crazy Brits...



- I just found out myself, but there's going to be a new Knight Rider TV movie next month. Apparently, it's going to be a continuation, with the Hoff making some guest appearances but no mention if William Daniels will ever cameo as the original KITT (Will Arnett, GOB from Arrested Development will be the new voice of KITT. What the hell?) And the new KITT will be a Mustang GT500, not a Trans Am, which will surely garner loud and vocal protests from thousands of Italians in New Jersey. Popular Mechanics had the dorky specs.

- You have to admire the girl's moxie. I'm sure she'll have plenty of time to think about it as she spends the next three years in a re-education camp. On a related note, I just used the word "moxie." What's the female equivalent of "balls?" Anybody?

- Speaking of Red China, I just found out there's a Chinese professional basketball team called the Beijing Ducks. Yes, the Beijing Ducks. Apparently, they play in the same league as the Buffalo Wings, the Vienna Schnitzels, the Philadelphia Cheesesteaks, and the New England Clam Chowders.

- For those of you who ever wondered what would happen if you were to throw an iPod or 53 Hot Wheels cars in a blender, this is the website for you. Why anyone would ever need a blender powerful enough to grind up several hundred carats of cubic zirconia is beyond me.

- I discovered Craig Ferguson's talk show over the break, and he's quite funny. Conan is more college humor, while Craig is more British comedy. I guess it just depends on what you're in the mood for. Most of you know I have a pretty bad Sean Connery impression that I'm more than willing to break out, so this is the most appropriate Craig Ferguson clip to post:



- Hehe. As the t-shirt once said, second place is the first loser...

- Anti-Americanism started in France. Whoda thunk it?

- The main story here isn't even the biggest story. The biggest story is that this kid is kid number twelve, and every other kid has weighed at least 11 lbs. That is one tough woman. (Not as tough as Vasquez, but still...)

- Oh, it doesn't get old...

- Three lists, all three of which should've been reversed:

Bad James Bond Puns. Maybe the "I thought Christmas only came once a year" line wasn't as bad as "I believe he's attempting reentry," but it was delivered by Pierce Brosnan, and not Roger Moore. You kind of expect Roger Moore to deliver lecherous lines like that, just like you'd expect Moore's Bond to grow up to be an old man who tries to pick up women a third his age in bars using bawdy pickup lines while wearing a smoking jacket with a dickey and swishing a snifter of brandy. But Brosnan? Totally out of the blue. And while The World is Not Enough wasn't that good to start with ("I'm a new-cu-lar scientist...") the Christmas line was the final nail in the coffin.

Greatest music videos. Those of you who know me know that I believe that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is the greatest music video of all time. For those of you who don't know me, I believe that "Crazy" by Aerosmith is the greatest music video of all time. The song isn't even that good. Like most Aerosmith videos of the day, it starred Alicia Silverstone, but as an added bonus, you've also got Liv Tyler, plus the super duper added bonuses of Alicia Silverstone and Liv Tyler dressing up as Catholic schoolgirls, as strippers, and skinny dipping. (I can't imagine why Steven Tyler would cast his own daughter here, and frankly, I don't want to know.)

And finally, trashiest fan bases. Because you knew on football saturdays in Ohio, no fries and moonshine were being made and no couches were being burned (yet.)

- I can't stand Sean Penn, but really, if you're going to break up your marriage, isn't this the ultimate way to do it?

- Ryan Mallett, who hardly knew ye. I won't pretend to be able to predict what would happen if Mallett had stayed, but I would like to say how I have my qualms with Rich Rodriguez, and it has nothing to do with coaching. Some of you may remember how disgusted I was when Lee Bollinger left Michigan to be president of Columbia. I felt that we had been used, that we had only been a mere stepping stone, and I wanted a university president that ultimately wanted to stay at Michigan and go nowhere else, and how Jerry Ford would've been perfect for the job. But at least Lee was a Columbia alum. Not only does Rodriguez have absolutely no ties to Michigan, the state or the school, he grew up in the state of WV, attended WVU, and most of his coaching jobs prior to Michigan have been in the state of WV, and he quit his contract at WV to come with us. Why would we want a man who doesn't honor his contract? It's like how no one ever trusts spies or defectors. These people betrayed their own countries, why would they have any loyalty to us? Why would Rodriguez have any loyalty to us? We're just a paycheck to him. At least Les Miles was a Michigan man, and I can respect a man who wants to work for his alma mater.

- Caught the first two eps of the new season of Law and Order. I was very curious as to what they were going to do with Jack McCoy as the DA. I hope it's just temporary, as Sam Waterson is a fine actor and making him the DA just reduces his screen time. This is not to say that I don't like Linus Roache, on the contrary, I've liked him ever since he turned in very sympathetic performances as the Purifier in Chronicles of Riddick and as Thomas Wayne in Batman Begins. He does need to work on his American accent though, which is strange because he sounded fine in Batman Begins. It seems like he's overdoing the New York accent. I also don't like how he occasionally dresses like a mobster (black shirt, black suit, purple skinny tie in one scene.) He's an executive assistant district attorney, and he dresses like he manages a strip club? I also like Alana de la Garza's new look, she looks a lot more professional. Last season, with the jet black hair and porcelain skin, she looked more like one of Dracula's brides than a civil servant. I thought they went overboard on the hotness factor when they cast her anyway. The woman had a Maxim spread before she was on the show, for heaven's sake. There's no way a civil servant in ANY country looks like her. Jeremy Sisto's character seems okay, but there's nothing really to distinguish him from Ed Green. Briscoe and Fontana were far more experienced, and Cassady had too little experience, but Lupo seems to be at the same level as Green. It'll be interesting to see how it develops. One thing that bothers me is the fact that they said Lupo was working overseas with NYPD intel, and how he's broken hundreds of cases, often without backup. NYPD has personnel overseas working cases? They have jurisdiction? New episode tonight, we'll see.

- I want to do a posting on top twelve Attainable Chicks. (Yes, top twelve. I like the dirty dozen theme.) Michelle Trachtenberg and Zooey Deschanel are mortal locks to make the list. Any suggestions?

- "What has started out as a joke, has turned into a disaster." RIP Stu.

- Why doesn't someone make a collection of Wii drinking games? Who wouldn't want to play Wii quarters or Wii beer pong? No more rounding up quarters or buying ping pong balls, no more mess, no more embarrassment over being a college graduate who still owns a beer pong table. And if you drink with the AI, would that mean you're not drinking alone?

- Pretty impressive video. I don't know what would possess a man to try something like this, but definitely impressive



- One of my all-time favorite SNL animated bits. I saw it on TV once, and never saw it again. It's a shame most Americans are so apathetic toward Red China. Enjoy.

A short post today:

- What! Valerie Bertinelli is back on the market?! Awesome! Oh wait, I forgot, it's not 1982...


- I finally found it. The one scene that made Wayne's World 2 worth watching.

I was discussing the aforementioned Snake Plissken Memorial Playground with a colleague last week, wondering if other Army units erected memorials to fictional soldiers all over the former Yugoslavia. We laughed at the idea of a John Matrix Memorial Playground somewhere, or a statue of John Rambo somewhere, and one thing led to another, and I wondered, if we had to assemble a team of America’s greatest soldiers, who’d be on it? What if Kim Jong-il, Hugo Chavez, and that homeless guy running Iran got together for a conference on bringing down America, with Osama bin Laden has the keynote speaker, in the middle of Tehran. Who would we send to take them all out? (Short of going nuclear.)

So I laid out some ground rules for myself. First, we’ll limit the size of the team to twelve, plus one commanding officer, just like the Dirty Dozen. (Yes, I know Sgt. Bowren went on the mission too, but I have no idea why. For security? One sergeant against a dozen heavily-armed convicts with nothing to lose? Did he volunteer? For a suicide mission? He didn’t even train with the rest of the team.) Here are some other rules:

- Only live-action movie or TV characters only. Literary, cartoon, comic book or video game characters can only be included if they made it onto a live action movie and only their military service mentioned or shown in that particular movie or show can be considered. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Sgt. Major Avery Johnson, any member of G.I. Joe.

- Characters who are otherwise identical and portrayed by the same actor will be counted as one character.

- Characters must be regular humans, with no mutant, superhuman, or supernatural powers. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Master Chief John-117, Captain America, Nick Fury, Sgt. Andrew Scott, Pvt. Luc Devereaux.

- Each person must have served with a branch of the armed forces of the United States, or its logical successor states. Potential members disqualified by this rule: CDR James Bond, Col. Richard Sharpe, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas.

- Fictional characters only. It’d simply be unfair to open this up to real American heroes, portrayed in movies or not. A real person killing hundreds of Germans trumps a fictional character killing hundreds of Germans any day. Potential members disqualified by this rule: Audie Murphy, Alvin York.

And here’s the list:

- Major John Reisman (Lee Marvin, the Dirty Dozen.) Somebody has to lead the bunch, and why not the man the man that lead the original Dirty Dozen?

- Colonel John Matrix/Major Dutch Shaefer (Arnold Schwarzenegger, Commando/Predator) Matrix and Shaefer were basically the same character. If they really wanted to, they could’ve written Predator to be a prequel of Commando.

- John J. Rambo (Sylvester Stallone, Rambo series) A shell-shocked Vietnam vet who tears through a small town because of police brutality who later single handedly wins the Vietnam War and then later helps the Taliban…umm, did we mention him single handedly winning the Vietnam War?

- Colonel James Braddock/Major Scott McCoy (Chuck Norris, Missing in Action series/Delta Force series.) Basically, Chuck Norris with a machine gun. And who wouldn’t want that on their team?

- Lt. Robert “Snake” Plissken (Kurt Russell, Escape from NY/LA.) A hero of World War III against the Soviets, later rescues the president from NY.

- Jack Bauer (Kiefer Sutherland, 24 series.) Former Delta Force operator, later saves the world on several occasions.

- Frank Castle, aka, the Punisher (Thomas Jane, the Punisher.) Note, the Dolph Lundgren Frank Castle is not here, because in that movie, he was a cop. Delta Force veteran turned vigilante.

- Chief Petty Office Casey Ryback (Steven Seagal, Under Siege series.) Former Navy SEAL busted down to cook for striking an officer. Later saves the world twice.

- Master Gunnery Sergeant Thomas Beckett (Tom Berenger, Sniper.) The team needs a sniper, and he was the best of the candidates. (see below)

- Sergeant John M. Stryker (John Wayne, Sands of Iwo Jima.) NCOs hold the military together, and you won’t find one better than Sgt. Stryker.

- 2^nd Lieutenant James T. Wladislaw (Charles Bronson, the Dirty Dozen) Helped killed a whole chateau of German officers, along with their wives, mistresses, and one night stands. Survived to tell about it too, which is something only two other men can claim, one of which is already on the list.

- Private Jenette Vasquez (Jenette Goldstein, Aliens.) Can you name one woman you’re more scared of? Of all the women in the world, wouldn’t you rather have her covering your ass over all others?

- Kyle Reese/Corporal Dwayne Hicks (Michael Biehn, the Terminator/Aliens.) The man/men took on terminators and xenomorphs, and at least lived to tell about the xenomorphs.

Who didn’t make it?

- Any member of the A-Team. Let’s face it, none of these guys can shoot.

- Nathaniel “Hawkeye” Poe (Daniel Day Lewis, Last of the Mohicans.) There were questions as to whether or not he was a member of the colonial militia, which would've made him qualify for the list.

- Sgt. Blain Cooper (Jesse Ventura, Predator.) When it comes to heavy machine guns, Vasquez was just that more effective than Blain. Blain got killed while holding his loaded minigun. Vasquez was only armed with a pistol when she finally killed herself.

- Robert T. Jefferson (Jim Brown, the Dirty Dozen.) The only other member of the Dirty Dozen who could’ve sniffed this list, it came down to a numbers game, and the fact that Wladislaw made it, and he didn’t. A close one otherwise.

- Ding Chavez and John Clark (Raymond Cruz and Willem Defoe, Clear and Present Danger.) As snipers go, I thought Thomas Beckett was better. And Clark wasn’t nearly as awesome in the movie as he was in the books. Remember, only the movies count. So until Without Remorse makes it to the big screen, Clark is out.

- Captain Benjamin Willard (Martin Sheen, Apocalypse Now.) He mopes about through half the movie, and does it really take that much to beat a bloated Marlon Brando to death? The comparison to killing a water buffalo was spot on.

Have I missed anyone? Objections? Suggestions? Let me know.

- Sly Stallone wants to remake Death Wish. Didn't Jodie Foster star in a Death Wish remake? Seriously, wrong time, wrong actor. New York simply isn't crawling with street crime like it was in the mid-seventies. It's make more sense if they set it in another city. Second, Sly Stallone? It's going to turn out like Rambo Takes Manhatten. It's Stallone! People expect him to blow away lowlifes on the street. For that same reason, I thought Bronson was a bad fit in the original. They should cast someone perceived as harmless, like William H. Macy. They should also cast someone who isn't white, unlike Macy, to remove any charges of racism, so instead of a white man gunning down brown people on the streets, it's just a guy gunning down thugs. If it were up to me, I'd cast Will Smith, Denzel Washington, Jimmy Smits, Benjamin Bratt, Don Cheadle, or Wayne Brady as Paul Kersey, and set the remake in Philadelphia.

- Speaking of Bronson, according to Wikipedia "Was considered and read for the part of the eponymous hero of Superman, which later went to Christopher Reeve." They actually got as far as having him read for the part? Wow. I can't even wrap my brain around the idea of Superman starring Charles Bronson. The same article also says Bronson was considered for the role of Snake Plissken, which I CAN see.


- New Indiana Jones movie, but no Short Round. What the hell? How 'bout some love, Dr. Jones?! They obviously had a need for a younger actor, that's why Shia LaBeouf is in it, but why couldn't that mean Short Round? We can finally find out what happened to him. Did Jones unceremoniously dump him off in some orphanage after Temple of Doom but before Raiders? Did he die on one of Indiana's adventures ala Jason Todd? We demand justice for Short Round!


- My thoughts exactly...


- A short writeup on dueling. I'd pay to see a duel with sledgehammers.


- Apparently, none of these guards get basic cable. Has anybody checked any local tubes filled with shit smelling foulness they can't even imagine yet? Just in case?


- I'm in the news!



- This might be the most violent thing I've ever seen on television. Needless to say, it was awesome...



- HUGE posting coming soon. It will be debated about for ... hours, at least. Stay tuned.

Just some links this time. And theoretically, I can update links more often:

Ike Turner died. Now OJ Simpson's title as World's Most Famous Wife Beater is undisputed.

Just what is it with Eastern Europe? First Bosnians unveil a statue of Bruce Lee. Then Hungarians name a bridge after Chuck Norris. Now a playground named for Snake Plissken. From the plaque, it looks like it was built by a US Army unit. Did they tell the people there that Snake Plissken was a real person? A celebrated American war hero?

Life imitates a John Woo movie. Can this be a good thing?

Stairway!

Just some videos I want to share:

- During the Battle of Midway, Torpedo Squadron 8 (VT-8) launched a strike against the Japanese carriers attacking Midway Island. Only one man came back alive. Director John Ford, who had his own Navy film unit during the war, realized later on while reviewing his footage that he had candid footage of these men before the strike. He then sent the footage to the family of those killed. I've long known the story of the VT-8, but to see their faces, painting faces on their torpedoes, mugging for the camera, it just drives the reality home.



- Once upon a time, it was okay to celebrate the achievements of Joseph Stalin and the Soviet Union. This was one of those times. And if anyone knows how to throw a parade, it's the Russians. Watch all four parts.



- In a related note, how can you hear the Soviet national anthem and not think of this scene?

I try to be a cultivated film buff. When people say Kurosawa's good, I try to see his films, if people say that Citizen Kane is the greatest movie ever made, I go out and rent it. And I agree, Kurosawa is good, and Citizen Kane is a great movie. (The greatest? I don't know about that. But on the short list.) But there are times were I have to disagree. Two "classics" in particular are John Ford's The Searchers and Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now.

The Searchers

The Searchers is often regarded as the greatest Western ever made, as well as one of the greatest films ever made. It was even ranked 12th on AFI's 100 films 10th anniversary list. I wouldn't say it's a bad film, but certainly not as good as people think it is. Don't get me wrong, the Duke is in top form, probably the best role I've ever seen him in. It's a very dark, against type, Denzel-in-Training-Day type of role. He's not evil like Denzel was, but certainly as dark as John Wayne would ever get. His Ethan Edwards is not a villain, but he's certainly unlikable, but not TOO unlikable. It's doubtful the Duke would ever choose to play a true villain, so this is as close as we're going to get. It's almost like the Duke couldn't help himself but play the hero in the end. He spends half the movie talking about killing his niece Debbie because she's better off dead than a Comanch' squaw, but in the end, heroically embraces her, and in his best John Wayne voice, tells her he's taking her home. (I know I didn't put up a spoiler alert. I didn't have to. You think any character played by John Wayne would ever gun down a woman, much less gun down a woman because he's a racist?) And like the Duke, the movie itself can't help but succumb to the pressures of being a John Wayne movie. The film is interspersed with awkward attempts at humor, all of which tends to try attention away from the fact that Ethan Edwards' family was slaughtered by Indians and he was going to find his niece who was captured and kill her because he hated Indians. The cast is full of John Ford regulars, like Ward Bond, who's chemistry with John Wayne actually hurts the movie to a degree. Again, a bad movie? Certainly not. The greatest Western ever made? Definitely not. (That would have to be The Outlaw Josie Wales.)

Apocalypse Now

My first encounter with the film was on network TV, so it had commercials and was edited for content. I figured once I saw it all the way through with no interruptions, I'd understand it better. Well, I did, and I didn't. I went to go see the Redux edition when it came out in the theater in hopes of better understanding the film, and I only got more confused. (I've realized that the thing with cut scenes, with a few exceptions like Star Trek II and Aliens, is that they're cut for a reason. Studio execs are NOT all bean counting Philistines. They're in the business because they know what constitutes a good movie.) Maybe it's because I'm not of the Vietnam/Watergate generation. Is it artsy? Yes. Is it logical? No. Why would the CIA send a man to kill Kurtz when they could've used an airstrike? Why would they send a single man to do it when the last guy they assigned to do the job not only failed to kill Kurtz, but also joined him. It's not like they were afraid to launch an airstrike, it's exactly what they do in the end, but why not just do it from the get-go? And how could Marlon Brando be in the Special Forces if he was the size of a house? I just can't stand when filmmakers won't allow logic to get in the way of art.

And two guilty pleasures:

Event Horizon

What can I say, I really liked it. I thought it was scary, the science wasn't that bad, and the ending was not predictable. Paul W.S. Anderson normally delivers crap like video game adaptations (Mortal Combat, Resident Evil, AvP) but somehow, everything came together. A really enjoyable film, in my opinion.

The Chronicles of Riddick

The first one, meh. But I really liked the look of this one. It had a better cast, better sets, better action, better everything. And inexplicably, Dame Judy Dench was in it. To paraphrase one critic, casting Dame Judy Dench in Chronicles of Riddick is like putting premium gasoline in a lawnmower. But hey, I liked it.

Yeah yeah, I know, I don't post frequently enough. You get what you pay for. Just enough time for two random thoughts:

- How is it that no one has made a Last Starfighter game yet? It's only been twenty years!

- How is it they haven't made an American version of Ninja Warrior yet? They made an American version of Iron Chef, but not Ninja Warrior? ESPN 2 can't get on this? Or any network? It's the ultimate reality show. Unlike the X-Games or those world's strongest man competitions, you don't really need any talent or skill to excel in this competition. ANYONE, from gas station managers to Olympic gymnasts can compete. Don't you think there'd be millions of gym-rats all across the nation that would love to try their hand at something like Ninja Warrior. Come on already!

Sorry for not posting more, but I just bought a house, and you know how things could be with that. In the end, I couldn’t find any college students throwing out a complete dining room set, but I came close enough.

The Hawaii blog will not be completed, as I can’t figure out a way to end it, but I’ll eventually post a few thoughts.

So the topic today is: The new Transformers movie. This was prompted by Ruben’s insightful query, and my part as the biggest Transformers dork most people care to associate with, seeing how I bathe regularly and have a steady job that doesn’t involve fries:

“What's your call on Transformers? I think it will be a complete toss-up...could be the coolest movie I've seen in a while, could be to Spider Man what Pearl Harbor was to SPR...thoughts?”

This question will be answered in two parts:

1. For those of you not born in the Carter or Reagan administrations, there already was a Transformers movie and for many of us, there will NEVER be another Transformers movie. It came out in 1986, flopped, grossing only $6 million, and yet still lives in the hearts of millions of dorks like me. How do I know this? Because it was re-released last year for it’s 20th anniversary as a 2-disc special edition. Think about this: this is a twenty year old movie that was the movie version of what was arguably a program-length toy commercial, and it was a flop, yet still got a 20th anniversary 2-disc special edition. Not only that, the soundtrack was just re-released, remastered and with more tracks. All this points to one thing: cult movie. It takes guts to try to follow up or supplant a cult movie. Sometimes, it works, like Steven Soderbergh’s “Ocean’s Eleven” or Ronald D. Moore’s new BSG. And other times, it doesn’t, like the “Rollerball” remake, Tim Burton’s "Planet of the Apes." Which brings us to my second point…

2. Michael Bay is not the man for the job. Personally I don’t know why they trumpet this so much. Every single ad has “A Michael Bay Film” on top of the title. That’s not the way to advertise a movie. The new Transformers movie is the seventh film of Michael Bay. The first six have been:

Bad Boys (pretty good)
The Rock (pretty good, but saved by the dialogue)
Armageddon (dumb, a B-movie plot with an A-movie budget)
Pearl Harbor (possibly, the biggest movie disappointment of my life, and I saw "Rocky V" in the theatre)
Bad Boys II (too dumb AND too long.How can anyone take almost three hours of Will Smith and Martin Lawrence?)
The Island (so bad, the plot was actually ripped off from a B-movie)

So for those of you keeping score at home, that's two pretty good movies, and four pretty awful movies, and the four pretty awful movies happened to be the last four films he's made. Does this raise the confidence level any? Is this supposed to comfort us Transformers fans? To hand over this franchise to the man that gave us "Pearl Harbor?" It's like seeing your favorite team sign Daunte Culpepper as the starting quarterback, and then putting him on the cover of their season ticket packages and programs. (Thanks to Ruben for finding the right crappy QB to match up) I'm confident the new movie will have plenty of 'splosions, and they'll be plenty of action, but I got a feeling I'll be terribly disappointed, like I was at "Pearl Harbor."

I'm going to approach it like I approached "Rocky Balboa," I don't want to see it, but I know I will.

Speaking of Rocky, Stallone is also doing Rambo IV, which is puzzling because Rambo III wasn't that good. But if Stallone is going to do sequels to his hits from the 80's, then why not a sequel to "Cobra?"

-YouTube had the entire episode of Al Pacino's actor's studio appearance, and it made me re-think the Godfather Part III. Out of the holy trinity of "Sequels That Torpedoed (or almost Torpedoed) Their Otherwise Profitable Film Franchise," the Godfather Part III is probably the best. (The other two, for those who don't know, are Rocky V and Star Trek V.)

It's not a horrible movie, unlike the other two. Heck, it even got an Academy Award nomination for Best Picture. The film's greatest sin however (amongst many, keep reading) was that it failed to measure up to Godfather Part II. Granted, Part II is considered the greatest sequel ever made, is arguably better than the first, and the only sequel to ever win Best Picture, but still.

But what was good about the film? Let's break it down:

- the subtle characters that only hard core fans remember, like Lucy Mancini and the twins from the wedding.

- Andy Garcia as Vincent. I used to fault him because he wasn't Italian, and it was a freakin' Godfather movie, but then again, he played Sonny's illegitimate son, and James Caan isn't Italian either. (No, James Caan is not Italian. For you Italians that didn't know, please don't hurt yourselves. While we're at it, De Niro is three quarters Irish.)

- Joe Mantegna as Joey Zaza. Fat Tony himself. Four years afterwards, he was in Baby's Day Out and Airheads. Go fig.

- The scene where Michael confesses to Cardinal Lamberto about killing his brother. His father's son, his mother's son, he killed his mother's son.

- The great integration of Cavalleria Rusticana into the end. What a great way to end the film. And not just because Mary bought it. For years, Michael screaming in the end was my Al Pacino impression.

And the lows:

- The anachronistic feel of it. The film was set in the late seventies, yet it didn't feel like the late seventies. Where were the awful clothes? The horrible hair styles? The disco? The first two FELT like they were set in the 40's and the 50's. There was nothing late seventies about the film.

- Kay not having a problem with Mary being in love with her first cousin. Unbelievable. Maybe it's this Sicilian thing, something that's been going on for thousands of years, but you don't bugger your cousins. You figure that a WASP like Kay would be the first to object to this.

- Not opening up the coffers and bringing back Robert Duvall as Tom Hagen. How can you not bring back Tom? Godfather movies aren't made all the time, so just bring the man back. It's Robert Duvall!

- The guy that played Anthony Corleone is a singer, first and foremost, and not an actor. It showed.

- And finally, Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone. I don't want to pile on the poor woman, who is a fine director, and it's not her fault that she can't act, it's daddy's fault for putting her in the movie in the first place. Yes, she was a last-minute sub for Winonna Rider, who had to drop out of filming, and yes, she actually looks like she might be the offspring of Al Pacino and Diane Keaton, but wow, she rewrote the book on how to totally distract the viewer from the rest of the movie via a horrible performance. (close second, Natalia Portman in any Star Wars movie.)

Yes yes, I know it's been a long time since the last post. There's a lot I've been wanting to cover, but just haven't gotten around to writing about.

- So everyone wanted to know whether or not I would go watch Rocky Balboa when it came out. I guess I was the local expert on all things Rocky. My official line, akin to John Kerry's "I voted for the war before I voted against it," was "Absolutely not, but I know I will," meaning, I don't want to, but I know I won't be able to resist. That being the official line, I went, and I'm not afraid to admit, I enjoyed it. My two biggest gripes about the movie is A) this movie should've been made at least ten years ago, and B) that kid playing Rocky's kid is an absolutely horrible actor. But this movie had to be made now, now that Sly was down on his luck, when he was making straight to video movies in between box office bombs. He was hungry, and maybe even a little desperate, just like he was when he wrote the original Rocky. Thinking about Rocky Balboa, I realized that what made the Rocky movies great were the training montages. If I recall correctly, Rocky V didn't have a training montage, and it's universally regarded as the Star Trek V of the franchise, which might be a bit cruel to Star Trek V. At least I don't think it had a training montage, but I refuse to go back and check. Here's a ranking of the Rocky movies by montage:

1) Rocky II: Forget the fact that Rocky was whipped, that he was stuck doing odd jobs while dressed like a guido, and forget that he was acting like he was half-retarded the entire movie, this film featured not one, but TWO great training montages, back to back. True, so did Rocky IV, but Rocky II's began with a lightning bolt, "well what are we waitin' fer!? Take us!" Also memorable for the last time "Going the Distance" was ever played in it's entirety in the series.

2) Rocky IV: Again, extra points for volume, with two montages, back to back. And as much as I love the appropriately named "Training Montage" and "Hearts on Fire," the montage(s) lose(s) points because A) my doubts about whether or not the training Rocky was going through would actually help him become a better fighter, and B) Rocky running up the Canadian Rockies, which I suppose is related to the first point. Nevertheless, "Training Montage" and "Hearts on Fire" are absolutely essential to a workout mix. Without those two, you can't call it a workout mix, it's just music you happen to exercise to.

3) Rocky I: The original, where Rocky runs all over Philadelphia. The montage by which all other montages in all movies are judged by. But unfortunately, there's just one instead of two.

4) Rocky Balboa: Good montage, and extra points for incorporating pieces of Maynard Ferguson's arrangement of "Gonna Fly Now" in the arrangement. If I first watched it in 1995, I would've liked it even better.

5) Rocky III: Apollo takes Rocky under his wing and takes him to LA so Rocky can win back his title. Let's just say, between Rocky's short shorts and half-shirt, and Rocky and Apollo's slow-motion man-hug on the beach, it was a bit...awkward. And yes, I suppose you can say that this was the second montage, on account of the "Pushin'" montage from the beginning, but I won't, because you can't train to a Frank Stallone song, and my point is proven when Rocky eats the mat against Clubber Lang right afterwards.

If you think about it, the character of Rocky Balboa might be one that can only be played by one actor. Out of all of Stallone's roles, I simply can't imagine anyone else playing him. I can imagine someone else playing Rambo, Marion Cobretti, or John Spartan, but not Rocky Balboa. It's appropriate, I suppose, considering Rocky is solely Stallone's creation. If there's any justice in the world, then we will have finally seen the end of the Rocky franchise. And I am forever grateful to Sylvester Stallone for having given it to us.

- Netflixed Dam Busters and 633 Squadron. I highly recommend both. Both films dealt with RAF squadrons training to hit one special target, and both have been acknowledged by George Lucas as inspirations for the final Death Star trench run in Star Wars. Dam Busters is the more realistic of the two, as it's actually based on real events and characters based on real people. It's also the more somber of the two. 633 Squadron has a more "swashbuckling" feel, which is definitely helped by Ron Goodwin's score. But I was a bit distracted by Cliff Robertson's presence in the movie, not that he's a bad actor, but he was glaringly American, leading a squadron of Commonwealth pilots. I spend half the movie wondering why an American would be leading an RAF squadron, or maybe it was one of those roles where no one bothers with accents, like Ed Harris in Enemy at the Gates, or Sean Connery in any movie he's in. (Halfway through the movie, I saw an Eagle Squadron patch on his shoulder. A layman would not have known what it was, and I still question why an American would still be leading an RAF squadron when the US was already in the war.)

- Three hangings in Iraq, and two of the three were downright amateurish. At first I questioned why there would be so few experienced hangmen in a country that had a goon like Saddam Hussein in charge for so long, but it turned out they used the short drop method, and not the long drop. But taunting Saddam on the scaffold, and recording the whole thing on a freaking camera phone, that's just disgraceful. And the guy's head popping off? Lazy. It turns out the guy had spinal cancer, and one of the things that has to be considered when setting the length of the drop is the condition of the man's neck. Even I knew that, and all I did was do some light reading while working out. Shame on them.

- New feature here on this blog, the Re-imagining. Ronald D. Moore "re-imagined" a hokey sci-fi series called "Battlestar Galactica" into one of the greatest shows on television, keeping just the basic premise and a few names. What other relatively hokey TV series' can be "re-imagined" into something better? In this installment, the "A-Team."

One thing that always bugged me about the premise of the "A-Team," other than the fact that it would be impossible for someone like Mr. T to remain inconspicuous and at large, was the fact that "the crime that they didn't commit," never appeared to be... criminal. Even as a seven year old, I knew that the US at one point had been at war with Vietnam, and questioned whether robbing the bank of an enemy nation during wartime can really be considered a crime. So they can bomb the Bank of Hanoi, but they can't rob it? And what did the army do when they caught the A-Team, give the money back to Vietnam, so they can buy more weapons? This was a leap in logic that not even a seven year old would make.

My re-imagining:
The year is 1995, and the West is horrified by the Rwandan genocide. Many around the world feel the US did not do enough to stop the killing, but to commit American troops to a tribal conflict in Africa with the Battle of Mogadishu so fresh on everyone's mind would be political suicide. Feeling that it must do something, anything, the NSA, on orders from the President, sends in three Army Delta Force operators, LTC John "Hannibal" Smith, 1Lt Templeton Peck, and Sgt. B.A. Baracus to go in and quietly assassinate a General Kwisi, a popular warlord they suspect of planning more bloodshed. They do so, but are captured by UN peacekeepers on their way out. The US disavows any knowledge, leaving the three of them hung out to dry. The promptly escape from a maximum security stockade. Today, still wanted by the government, and still wanting to clear their name, they live as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, and no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire...the A-Team.

-LTC John "Hannibal" Smith: 52, Caucasian, 1st SFOD-D. The son of American missionaries, spending a significant portion of his youth growing up in Africa. A graduate of the Texas A&M ROTC program and the Army War College, and a veteran of Grenada, Beirut, Panama, and Desert Storm, Hannibal was called back into the field for this mission because of his knowledge of sub-Saharan Africa.

-1Lt Templeton Peck: 37, Caucasian, 1st SFOD-D. Despite growing up in an orphanage, is able to secure a place in West Point. A veteran of the Battle of Mogadishu, Peck is charming, but wouldn't hesitate for a second to kill if necessary. An expert marksman, he's the one who actually kills General Kwisi.

-Sgt. B. A. Baracus: 39, African-American, 1st SFOD-D. A veteran of the Battle of Mogadishu, he's been a Delta Force operative for six years.

- Capt. H. M. Murdock: 42, Causasian, 160th SOAR (A). Shot down over Mogadishu, he's rescued by a team lead by Peck. One of the best chopper pilots in the army, but discharged soon afterwards following a nervous breakdown and PTSD. He's hired to fly the team to their mission. Stays on to help them out of gratitude for saving his life.

The new series would be set in the year 2006, when the A-Team has been on the run for eleven years. And yes, they actually kill people. We can even add a subplot about how the Army is half-assing their pursuit of the A-Team because A) many of the higher ups suspect that they were set up, and B) the A-Team was eliminating many criminal elements that would've taken years and millions of dollars to legally prosecute.

Next time, I'll tackle the Six Million Dollar Man.

- Allow me to expand on my last post regarding Allied propaganda. As I watched more of Why We Fight, it occurred to me that the films were not intended to demonize the enemy, but moreso to convince the American people that these are people worth fighting. Convincing an isolationist public to fight a war in a foreign country when America hasn't been attacked was a hard sell. Pearl Harbor helped jump start the country. Thus, the message wasn't merely "These are awful people," but rather "These are awful people that we should be fighting."

- Finished the Why We Fight series. None of them were quite as unintentionally humorous as The Battle for Russia or The Battle of China. Prelude to War, The Nazis Strike, and Divide and Conquer were rather dry documentary-like pieces covering the Nazi annexation of Austria and the Sudentenland, and through the conquest of Poland, the Low Countries and France. And when I say "dry," I mean DRY. I actually had trouble staying awake through parts of Divide and Conquer, as they had a segment on German tactics in the Low Countries. Using visual aids, it actually would've been quite entertaining, except the Army officer giving the lecture was absolutely devoid of charisma. And yes, it was a lecture, the kind of lecture you might fall asleep in at school. The next film, The Battle of Britain, spiced it up a bit by going more in depth about the British, with segments were Brits interact with each other with obviously scripted dialogue. Now that I think about it, they probably made it the way they did to justify the round the clock bombing of Germany at the time. Keep in mind, as bad the Luftwaffe bloodied England during the Blitz, the RAF and the USAAF gave it back in spades. Yes, it's awful that the Luftwaffe used medium bombers to bomb London at night, as was the firebombing of Coventry. But it's hard to condemn that and then send in thousands of RAF heavy bombers at night to bomb Berlin. The firebombings of Hamburg and Dresden by the RAF were infamous, and the Germans were absolutely right in accusing RAF Air Marshal Arthur "Bomber" Harris of war crimes. Today, there is still controversy in the British decision to indiscriminatingly bomb German population centers at night. At least the USAAF went by day and actually tried aiming for strategic targets.

- The last film in the Why We Fight series was War Comes to America, which basically rehashes American history and how we can achieve greatness if we unite as a people. This film made good sense... or at least it would have if it had come out earlier, like in 1942. In reality, this film came out in 1945, well after America had committed to the war, and well after it was clear that we were going to win. So instead of propaganda egging us on to fight the enemy, this felt more like a pat on the back for a job well done. It just doesn't seem to fit in the timeline. The second film on the disc was The Negro Soldier, which wasn't official part of the series. This film seemed to be aimed at blacks at home. Yes, I'll admit, I almost wrote "Negroes." This film was a bit funny in that while it emphasized that Neg- I mean blacks have always taken part in this country's wars since Crispus Attucks at the Boston Massacre, it completely skipped over slavery. It didn't even mention the Civil War by name. It just said "and then came 1861" and moved right along. Not even a mention of the name, whether it be the Civil War, War Between the States, or the War of Northern Aggression (funny how it's a war of Northern aggression when it was the South that fired the first shots, against Fort Sumter.) The film did, however, notably show life in boot camp during the war. Also glossed over were issues like segregation. Like blacks folks couldn't put two and two together and think "so blacks have been fighting for this country for almost two hundred years, and we still have to sit at the back of the bus? What the hell?!" To recap, no mention of slavery, no mention of the bloodiest war in American history by name, and no mention of the injustices that blacks were suffering through even as the film was made. Yeah, what can I say, it was a different time.

- I'm not too worried about the GOP losing Congress. Like Thomas Paine said, "the government that governs best, governs least."

- Speaking of the election, I think I should mention that since I started voting nine years ago, not once have I been asked to present any ID when I show up. No photo ID, no voter registration card, they just ask my name, look up my name in the book, and assume that I can't duplicate a copy of my signature which is right in the book. And since the polling sites are manned by old folks, you might actually be able to get away with coming more than once. It's absolutely ridiculous, especially when you consider that the GOVERNOR OF SOUTH CAROLINA was turned way from the polls today when he forgot his voter registration card. If there's one thing about NJ politics that has to change, other than the rampant corruption, is the horrifically lax voting procedures which help prolong the corruption.

- I can't believe the freakin' Cardinals won the World Series. Neither team really deserved to be there in the first place, but at least the Tigers were on such a hot streak during the ALDS and ALCS that they probably would've bowled over the '27 Yankees. Meanwhile, the Cardinals were busy making guys like John Maine and Oliver Perez look like October aces. Has the fact that the Cards only won 83 games been mentioned enough? People made such a big deal about a mediocre team like last year's Padres even making the playoffs, and I'm pretty sure they had more than 83 wins. Is anyone surprised that the ratings were abysmal? You had two teams that no one gave a crap about, and to add insult to injury, both teams suck. Let's just get this straight: this postseason, we had spectacular pitching performances by John Maine (rookie,) Oliver Perez (deadline trade throw-in,) Jeff Weaver (with his 6+ ERA in the Varsity league,) and Kenny Rogers (an older Jeff Weaver, at least to Yankee fans.) April can't come soon enough.

- Speaking of baseball, looks like St. Louis and Detroit finished first and second in this too.

- Continuing my analysis of Frank Capra's Why We Fight series, we study The Battle for China. Again, this film was prefaced by a disclaimer, stating that the film was only a historical document, and that anything nice we had to say about the now-Red Chinese back then was just something we said to help the war effort. A few points:

• No mention of Chiang Kai-Shek's fight against the communists, or even a mention of communists. We're supposed to believe that China was one big happy family.
• I never heard the Generalissimmo's voice until I watched this film. Wow, it was really high pitched. How did this guy control hundreds of millions of Chinamen? Oh yeah, he didn't.
  
• I guess the audience wasn't supposed to notice that every single shot of Chiang Kai-Shek had him wearing a military uniform. And they never referred to him as "Generalissimmo Chiang." And about that uniform...
• I guess the audience was just supposed to ignore that fact that the Chinese were wearing German style uniforms. As in, Nazi style uniforms. True, most people wouldn't notice the German style caps and tunics, but the German "fritz" helmets that the Chinese troops wore were unmistakably German. Not just German looking, but actual German M1935 Stahlhelms. The film failed to mention that the Chinese army had been supplied and trained by the Nazi war machine in their fight against the communists, which, again, was also ignored. Later on in the film, the Chinese army switches to American M1 steel pots, understandably.

And finally, and this point refers to the entire Why We Fight series: demonizing the Japs and the Nazis was NOT a hard sell. While the Germans were trying to demonize the "decadent" Allies for listening to jazz music and how we were racially impure, and while the Japs were trying to sell their "Greater East Asia Co-Prosperity Sphere," we were simply stating the facts. Indisputable facts, like the Japs bombing Shanghai and Pearl Harbor, or committing atrocities in Nanking. The narrator stated that the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor because they wanted to cripple the US fleet, to put them in a better position when they make their push across the Pacific to capture oil and other resources. If you asked the Japs why they bombed Pearl Harbor, and they'd give you THAT EXACT SAME REASON. The film mentioned the Tanaka Memorial, which was a sort of a Mein Kampf-esque grand scheme for Japanese world domination, which, shockingly, I had never heard of in my years of studying World War II. As it turned out, the reason why I never heard of it because it was bupkis. It was a piece of Chinese propaganda, designed to demonize the Japs, ala Protocols of the Learned Elders of Zion. But again, I ask, why did they feel the need to demonize the Japs? How can an alleged war plan demonize them any more than authentic footage of them burying people alive at Nanking, or footage of dead children lying in the rubble of Shanghai? By any standard of society, what the Japs did was wrong, just like no one can argue that taking Jews, gassing them and incinerating the bodies is absolutely wrong. Even the Germans realized that it was wrong, so wrong, that most Germans had no idea that these Jews who were being taken away by the trainload were being killed, instead of simply being relocated. The Allies, despite our faults, like segregation and colonialism, simply did not have to demonize the Axis like they did us. Frank Capra shouldn't have to try to sell us on any ideas, all it had to do was show what these people were really like.

- I dressed up as the guy from Falling Down again. Most people say the glasses make the outfit work. I should try being Vince Lombardi next year.

- I'm applying for a few more pistol licenses. While the state is smart enough to not fingerprint me again, they want two references again. Two references, people who aren't related to me, who don't work for the West Windsor police department, and who have known me for the past five years. Six years ago, I used Nick and Brian as references. If I use them again, wouldn't they just say the same thing? Instead of being people who I've known for five years who aren't related to me, they're now just people I've known for eleven years who aren't related to me.

- Gary Sheffield needs to grow up. Sheff, use your head: any team that can afford to trade for you next year won't be in a crappy town, so don't worry about being stuck in KC or Pittsburgh.

- Alright, I think I can start speaking rationally about the Yankees ALDS loss. No, it wasn't entirely A-Rod's fault, no one could seem to hit those last two games. No, Chien-Ming Wang should not have been brought to Detroit to pitch Game 4 on three days rest. He's a different pitcher on the road, and besides, Jaret Wright is supposed to save the Yankees in Game 5? As the sweep of Oakland has proved, Detroit has been playing absolutely out of their minds, and I wish them the best of luck. Having spent a few years in Ann Arbor, and seeing the quite humorous suffering of the Detroit fans, they deserve it.

- So the Yankees lose on Sunday, Monday and Tuesday are consumed by the debate whether or not to fire Joe Torre (I said no, no one would've been an improvement, and besides, the team was on the hook for $7 million whether or not Torre works or not) and then Wednesday, the Cory Lidle thing. And yes, I actually forgot that the ALCS was still going on.

- Re: the Lidle thing. Wow, weird. At first, I blew it off, because I knew it wasn't terrorism, it's obvious it was a tiny plane, and it was merely a residential building. But to see that it was Cory Lidle, wow, weird. My thoughts and prayers to his widow and son.

- I can't be the first person to say it, but if the Yankees had won the series, wouldn't Cory Lidle still be alive today?

- So I've obtained the soundtracks of Beyond the Sea and Walk the Line, biopics of Bobby Darin and Johnny Cash, respectively. Both feature Kevin Spacey and Joaquin Phoenix singing as Bobby Darin and Johnny Cash, respectively. Both of them seem rather competent singers, but my question is: why? Why would we get these ACTORS singing as these musicians when we can just as easily buy CDs featuring the original singers?

- With Penn State's loss to Michigan this weekend, the Curse of James Yeh lives on. Yes, it's all me. Since May 1997, when I had to write Penn State to tell them that I was reneging on my agreement to attend PSU to attend UM, and I half-jokedly wrote that I would feel awful when Michigan crushes Penn State later that year, PENN STATE HAS NOT BEATEN MICHIGAN SINCE!

- Some of you know I've got an interest in propaganda films. (Triumph of the Will was my very first Walmart/Netflix rental.) I'm currently working my way through Frank Capra's Why We Fight series, and I've finished The Battle of Russia. And boy, it is funny. Okay, I'm not saying the suffering of the Russian people or the horrors that the Nazis inflicted onto them is funny, not at all, but what is funny is the presentation. The comedy starts even before the opening credits. Because the current edition was made sometime in the 50's or 60's, right in the middle of the Cold War, there's a disclaimer saying that the film should be taken as a historic document, and that the creators don't necessarily agree with the message. So one propaganda from one decade is not in the next. Second of all, and most tellingly, in a movie about the struggles of the Soviet Union against the Nazis, there are only two mentions of Stalin, which, as strange as it could be, is totally understandable. How do you paint a good picture of Stalin to the American people? How do you encourage Americans to fight a psychotic, murderous dictator by supporting another one?
- The Departed was great, absolutely great. Lots of good actors were in it, and they were all at the top of their game. My only beef with the movie was that Leonardo DiCaprio seemed to be playing pretty much the same role that he played in Gangs of New York, a young up-and-comer who must earn the trust of a powerful criminal who he's ultimately trying to bring down. It was like Scorcese getting Joe Pesci to play the psychotic enforcer in both Goodfellas and Casino. They did a great job casting the girl too, who's pretty, but accessible. She looks like a prettier version of Sarah Jessica Parker, that's the best why I can describe it. If any of you guys have seen it, I'd like to discuss the ending, especially regarding Dignam (Marky Mark.) For those of you who haven't seen it, see it.

- More on The Departed:
- Good job on Scorcese's part not simply casting every actor with Bostonian roots. While Donnie Wahlberg would've done fine, at least we were saved two and a half hours of Ben Affleck. (Although, looking at the IMDb, one of the other Wahlberg brothers was in the film. Apparently, we didn't recognize him because he didn't have a crappy singing career.)
- So the film starred Leo DiCaprio, Matt Damon, Jack Nicholson, Martin Sheen, Alec Baldwin, Mark Wahlberg and ... Anthony Anderson? Was he really that impressive in Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle? Or Romeo Must Die?
- Is it just me, or was Jack Nicholson channeling the Joker the entire time? He even had the bloody teeth in the end. And if he's running an Irish mob, why is he named Frank COSTELLO? Isn't that an Italian name?
- This movie basically summed up everything I hated about Boston.

Me262 at the ILA2006 in Berlin (original sound)

A newly built ME-262 taking flight at a Berlin air show. It's absolutely mindblowing. The only thing that would top this would be if someone cloned a dinasaur. To be able to witness history, to watch it, and hear it, to see something that hadn't been done in 60 years, simply awesome. What must it have been like for Allied pilots to see this for the first time, a plane that looked unlike any other, that sounded unlike any other, to fly faster and hit harder than anything they had ever seen before. The people at the ME-262 Project took this historical giant of an aircraft and resurrected it, and at the same time, corrected it's flaws. I tip my hat to them.

- So I'm at the doctor's office today, and I read this interview with Samuel L. Jackson from an old issue of Time magazine, from around the time Snakes on a Plane came out. He said that unlike other actors who always claim to not watch their own movies, he loves watching his own movies, which affects what roles he chooses to take. So my question is, why DON'T actors watch their own films? Are they afraid it's going to suck? If actors watched their own films, wouldn't that cut down on the number of horrible movies coming out? Why would anyone make a film that they themselves would not watch? I know there's money involved, but have a backbone, it's not a movie you wouldn't watch, then don't act in it. If you don't want to watch it, why should we?

- So this Saturday, my buddy Theo and I are at my place, and we fried up some brats and were flipping around the movie channels, and we ran across Swingers. He had never seen it, and it was the scene in the bar when the guy (I forgot the name of the character that Jon Favreau plays) meets Heather Graham's character. I tell Theo "oh man, wait till you see Heather Graham in this movie, she's got all four pitches working for her in this movie." This reminded me of something the Sports Guy wrote a while back, about describing women like we'd describe a pitcher. Specifically, he said he'd like to see "her stuff was filthy" in that sense, but I don't know, it just doesn't sound right. But don't men already use pitching terms? For example, "Gwyneth Paltrow had a little extra zip on her fastball in Sky Captain," or "Clueless was great, back when Alicia Silverstone was still throwing in the high 90's." Or I am I just a huge baseball dork?

- Armageddon was on last night. What a horrible movie, and yet I couldn't turn away. Is there a term for that? "Entertainingly bad?" I'm talking about films like Rocky IV, Face/off, or Conan the Destroyer. Taken at face value, they're not every good, but man, they are fun to watch. Can we come up with a term? Please?

I could never understand why NASA would lend so much support to this movie. I don't think the writers did an ounce of research, and yet NASA went along anyway. I can't be the only person to wonder why there would be a need to mount a gatling gun on a rover going into space, right?

- Now that I've gotten through Ace Combat Zero at least once, and since it looks like they won't be making any new AC games for PS2, how about an overview? (Spoilers ahead.)

Ace Combat 04: Great game, a very good looking game. While the gameplay was great, what really drew me in was the storyline, which was told using two dimensional stills, like a comic book. When you finally confront Yellow 13 in the end, and hopefully shoot him down, you really feel like you've done something. As for the music, it was rather generic, not unexpected in a game of this sort.

Ace Combat 5: This game was a step back from AC04 in that you no longer had a choice as to which secondary weapons to mount, as the secondary weapons are now specific to the plane. Another step back was the removal of the multiplayer option. In exchange, however, AC5 offers the ability to command your wingmen, and the cut scenes were all computer animation. You never had real wingmen in AC04, so having wingmen were nice, and they did a superb job of character design and development, so much so that when Chopper gets it in the middle of the game, you feel awful. The trouble was, the wingmen weren't that effective, so in the end, you'd still be taking out 99.8% of the targets yourself. The music is similar to the music in AC04, generic flying game music, with an operatic flair for the last mission. No villain in the end that you can't wait to shoot down, like Yellow 13. Hamilton is the closest, but he was never as juicy as a character as Yellow 13.

Ace Combat Zero: This game is sort of in the middle of AC04 and AC5 as a game. It sets up the events of AC5, which kills the plot, which can't have any mindblowing twists because we know what's happening in AC5. The multiplayer option is restored, but they cut down on the wingmen, from three to just one, but this one wingman, first Pixy, then PJ, is actually effective. You're also not allowed to pick your wingman's plane, unlike in AC5, so when you're blowing everyone away with an X-02, Pixy is trying to cover your ass in an F-15C. The story, while handicapped by the fact that it's a prequel, is advanced with cutscenes starring real actors, but doesn't help that the actors aren't that good. None of them have any real character development, except for maybe Pixy, and it's nothing compared to the character development in AC5. You don't even see PJ, your second wingman. The music, in a twist, has a Spanish flair, which is nice. It almost feels like AC5 and ACZ were made simultaneously, with one game exploring a certain set of options while the other explored others.

Overall: AC5 was the best, followed by ACZ, then AC04. They're all beautiful games, with AC04 pretty much pushing the graphical boundaries of the PS2 right from the get-go, and thus setting the standard. But AC5 distinguishes itself with it's character development and storyline. ACZ is hardly a disappointment, but I just felt it couldn't been a little better.

-I forgot to mention this in my last posting, but A-Rod has been compared to Joe D a lot, mostly in terms of being very corporate, being Mr. GQ, and not being very expressive out on the field. Then again, Joe D also won a couple of championships. But my point is, given the way the press is nowadays, would Joe D be treated the same way as A-Rod?

-Where do you pee in a cemetery? I was visiting my grandma today, and I really had to go, but the office was closed, and I didn't see a porta-potty anywhere. And I REALLY had to go. You can't go in a bush, can you? Because I KNOW you'd go to Hell of that.

Wow, it's been over a year since the last post. Dustin pointed this out to me at his wedding. I was shocked that he even read my blog. BTW, congrats to Dustin and Alyson, and to Alan and Jill as well.

- Over the past three years, I've often found myself trying to explain to my non-Yankee friends why some Yankees fans, myself included, will never be completely won over by Alex Rodriguez. I try to explain to them how A-Rod never seems to act naturally, how everything that comes out of his mouth seems to be perfected scripted by a PR expert, how it seems like he's more of a corporation than a player. Mind you, none of this has to do with his lack of production in big spots, but rather, just how phony he appears to be. I always told them that I felt that A-Rod never sounds like he's speaking his mind, how he's too afraid of what people think of him, too reserved and too nice to tell Curt Schilling that the only way he'd get into the Hall of Fame would be to buy a ticket. Well, in this week's Sports Illustrated, he spoke his mind, and now, I wish he'd just shut up. We now all know he's whiny, he's arrogant, and he somehow thinks people might boo him because he's biracial, yet cheer Derek Jeter, who's also biracial. I don't know why it's so hard for him to figure out: Just win. If A-Rod goes 1 for 30 in the World Series, and that one hit is the game winning hit in the clinching game, then he'll be a hero. If he goes 18 for 30 in the same series and the Yankees lose, then he's a bum. That's all he has to know. It's not how many hits he gets, it's when, and how important.

-Speaking of Curt Schilling, I can't stand him. Hey Curt, who asked you?

-And speaking of Jeter: only Derek Jeter can make David Ortiz look like an asshole. When Papi was going up against A-Rod for the MVP last season, Papi could do no wrong. Go against the Captain, and he's a bitter asshole. You gotta know that bothers the hell out of A-Rod too.

-When Sidney Ponson threw to Sal Fasano in one game in early August, were they the heaviest battery ever? Can we get Jayson Stark on this?

-I broke down and bought Ace Combat Zero without waiting for the price to drop below twenty bucks. I figured, they most likely won't make another Ace Combat game for the PS2 ever again, and in either case, the next AC game is for the PSP, so I didn't see a price drop in the near future. And let me just say, AC Zero is worth the money, like every other AC game. Namco, I tip my cap to you.

-My cousin and I watched this Chinese film, 2046, recently, and I say this without any fear of sounding like an ignoramus, but what happened? I'd like to think of myself as a film buff, heck, I even liked Magnolia. But I didn't get this film. I know some movies you're just not supposed to get, like 2001: A Space Odyssey, is this one of them? In the movie, some characters spoke Mandarin, and others replied in Cantonese. Do real Chinese people do that?

-Allow me to recommend the Logitech Wireless Headphones for PC. Greatest $30-40 you'll ever spend. To be honest, the headphones themselves are a bit uncomfortable, but I don't wear them for more than an hour stretch at a time anyway. The sound quality is crystal clear within 150 feet, no static, no cracking like with RF wireless headphones. If you use headphones at work, these are the ones to get.

-So Muslims are upset at the Pope for repeating something that SOMEONE ELSE SAID? Something that he prefaced by saying it was a bit harsh? People, read the entire article before overreacting.

-Say what you will about Tom and Katie, but that's a good looking baby.

-Still looking for a job in the DC area. Little help?

I'll try to update more often, I promise.

- Am I the only person to notice that there are tons and tons of British actors that can come off as Americans, but not vice versa? For example, most of the actors in Band of Brothers were British, yet I would've never been able to tell until I either checked the IMDb or saw them in another role. Lt. Winters, Lt. Welsh, Sgt. Martin, Liebgott, all British. (I saw the guy that played Liebgott in a making-of documentary, and I thought I needed subtitles. And this from a guy playing a Jewish cabbie from San Francisco.) Same with Apollo from the new Battlestar Galactica. (He was also in Band of Brothers.) You'd never be able to tell this guy was British. But how many people can think of any Americans playing British roles? Supposedly Brad Pitt only played the Gypsy in Snatch because he couldn't pull off a London accent. Angelina Jolie sounded horrible trying to pull off a British accent in Tomb Raider. But did you know that Cary Elwes is British? Sam Neill? Bob Hoskins? Yes, Eddie from Who Framed Roger Rabbit is a limey. Boy, these guys are good.

- What is the media's fascination with pretty blond white girls? Let me just say up front that yes, I think they're hot, and if I had my choice of a woman, it's be a blond, but why do their travails dominate the headlines? And I'm not just talking about Paris Hilton, or newly blond (and ugly) Lindsay Lohan. News about this blond from Alabama that disappeared in Aruba has been on the front page of CNN.com for days now. Yes, it's tragic, but I don't see how a missing tourist is front page news. And remember Jessica Lynch? She had all the press, she even had a damn TV movie made about her, yet no one remembers the black girl that was rescued with her. Where was her book? Her TV movie? I can't even remember her name off the top of my head. (Shoshanna something? Am I close?) If you guys know me, you know I'm the last person to cry racism, but I hate double standards, and this is a double standard.

- Speaking of double standards, what's with the fascination with Danica Patrick? Yeah, she's kinda hot. Oooh, she got fourth place at the Indy 500. Put Shaq in a WNBA game and try to hold him below 60 points, I dare you.

- So I'm flipping around the channels, and Court TV is running a show on the Branch Davidians. They're interviewing this ATF guy, and he's throwing around words like "ambush" and "murder." Meanwhile, you see footage of guys in full tactical gear, scaling ladders and firing into windows. When you assault a compound wearing body armor and carrying MP5s, and people decide to shoot back, then I don't think you can call that an ambush. And when ATF agents die under those circumstances, as tragic as it may be, I wouldn't call it murder. The ATF guys were acting as if they walked up to the Davidians front door and politely asked David Koresh if he would accompany them downtown for some questions, and they got shot at.

- I've been working insane hours at the office, and I don't know why. This past week, I must've put in between 55-60 hours (while getting paid for 40.) I've never been one to stick to a schedule, I usually leave when I feel the job is finished, but even when the job is finished, and just can't bring myself to leave, and next thing I know, it's 11:00. Maybe it's the fact that I haven't been able to apply myself to anything since graduating. Maybe it's the sense of accomplishment when a finish a job that I don't get anywhere else. Maybe it's better that I work long hours so I can resist the temptation of going on a vigilante killing spree. I honestly don't know what it is.

- Sylvester Stallone has plans to do Rambo IV. Now you guys know how influential Stallone has been on my life, how I've watched Rocky IV and Rambo II a billion jillion times since I was eight. Well, let me just say: don't. Sly, please don't do it. Remember how people hated Rocky V? Or Godfather Part III? Don't take it too far. How many other franchises have gone almost two decades between installments, not counting prequels and first sequels? Again, remember how people HATE the Godfather Part III? And Al Pacino can actually act! And that was coming off Godfather Part II, a great movie. Rambo III was so-so, not nearly as good as Rambo II. So the franchise is already on the decline. Now, if you want to remake First Blood and restart the franchise, like they're doing with Batman, fine. But do I really want to see a sixty year old Rambo? Not really.

- Speaking of remakes, how about a remake of the Dirty Dozen? No necessarily even a remake, but a true sequel, rather than the made-for-TV Dirty Dozen: the Next Mission. (see above on what I said about waiting too long to make a sequel.) You can recast all the parts, or you can cast someone in a different role, but with the same mission of turning twelve convicts into commandos and going on a suicide mission. It doesn't even have to be World War II. You can set this in almost any war. Here's one that'll keep you up nights: who do you cast?

- Allow me to rant on Dirty Dozen: the Next Mission briefly. For those of you who don't know, this movie was a made-for-TV movie produced by Turner television. Watching it, I got the impression that Ted Turner, who obviously loves the movie so much it's on a Turner station at least once a week, sat down with his people and said "Boys, I love this movie, I own the rights, and I want a sequel. Get on it." To tell you the truth, I wouldn't have minded a Dirty Dozen sequel, so long as it was close to the original in every respect. But they didn't. Instead of the contempory equivalents of Charles Bronson, Telly Savalas, Donald Sutherland and Jim Brown, They cast the who's who of TV actors in 1985, and that's it. You had the guy from Wiseguy, the white guy from CHiPs, the guy that played Chuck Cunningham ever-so-briefly, and you had the guy that played Billy in Predator. And they brought back Lee Marvin, Richard Jaeckel and Ernest Borgnine. Which wouldn't have been that big of a problem if they hadn't waited almost twenty years to make the sequel. Remember now, the first movie ended on D-Day, June 6th, 1944. That meant that there was less than one year before V-E Day. That meant that in order to go on another mission, Major Reisman had to completely recover from the injuries that he sustained in the first movie, and train a new group of convicts, all in less than 11 months. So they don't have much of a window to work with. So they bring it Lee Marvin in what would be his second to last role, looking OLD, but pretending that it was only months from the last one. Sorry, too much of a stretch. Next, they know they're going behind the lines to assassinate a Nazi general, so they bring a black guy. Let me repeat: they're bringing in a black guy to go behind GERMAN lines. I can go on and on. Please, give us a true sequel. Please!

- My AMC sucks item: AMC had Staying Alive on this week, but not Saturday Night Fever. Even VH1 has the rights to Saturday Night Fever. And they don't claim to be a channel for movie classics.