And it’s time for another Olympic Opening ceremony! I’ll actually do the whole thing this time, as I don’t actively hate Canada as much as I do Red China. (I only pity Canada. They try so hard.) Sorry it’s a bit late, between Chinese New Year and Valentine’s Day, I was rather indisposed for most of the weekend. Enjoy.
9:00 – And we’re in Vancouver, for the XXI Winter Olympics, with NBC’s A-team, Matt Lauer and Bob Costas. Sixteen days, where the world, at least half of it, pretends to care about the skeleton and curling. (I’ve been advocating for this for a long time now, and some of you have heard me say it, but why can’t we shift some indoor sports in the Summer Olympics to the Winter Olympic? Basketball is played in the winter. Why is it in the Summer Olympics? Why can’t the gymnastics events, weightlifting, or ping pong events be moved to the winter games? I can understand why swimming and shooting competitions are done in the summer, but can anyone defend why the martial arts competitions are not done in the winter?) And I’m back blogging about it, not necessary for the pomp, pageantry, or thrill of international competition, but for the shameless propaganda and stereotyping. And we’re starting on a bit of a downer with the death of the Georgian luger. I saw the video before leaving work, and wow, that’s rough. It’s bad enough he died, it’s worse that it’s going to live on forever on YouTube.
9:02 – Start with shots of Caprica City, er, I mean, Vancouver. This is the second time the winter Olympics has been in Canada IN MY LIFETIME. And I think that pretty much sums up the limited appeal of the Winter Olympics. When Vancouver is easily the most prominent city to ever host a Winter Olympics, that says something.
9:03 – They’re reading off a list of cities where the Winter Olympics have been, and let me tell you, I’ve won the National Geography Bee at school before, and I probably know more about geography than 90% of Americans, and I can’t find St. Moritz or Lake Placid on the map.
9:05 – We kick off with a pretty cool snowboard jump through the Olympic rings. Like the ski jump in Torino (I think it was Torino, or maybe it was Lillehammer) it had the potential of being disastrous. Disastrously funny.
9:06 – Bob Costas points out that as the head of state, Queen Elizabeth was invited to come to the opening ceremony. She didn’t. I guess she had some stand-and-wave appointments she didn’t want to break.
9:07 – Mounties march in the Canadian flag. See, this is okay, because it’s the Canadian flag. Chinese troops goose-stepping with the Olympic flag two years ago? Not okay.
9:09 – Time for “Oh Canada.” While we’re on the topic of national anthems, I know they filmed the final fight from Rocky IV in Vancouver. I wonder if this is the arena that was used. It looks a little too big though.
9:11 – Just checked online, it’s not. Bummer.
9:13 – Alec Baldwin is on the Marriage Ref. Is he really the most qualified person to ref marriages? He just said that your wife doesn’t have to be the most important thing in your life, but she has to think that she is. Is that why he’s single today?
9:14 – Looks like they started during the commercial break. Nice. And man, are those statues with the arms creepy.
9:17 – Interesting take on the parade of nations, using Native nations instead. Nice.
9:21 – Bob Costas mentions that will be 82 nations at these Olympics, versus 204 at the last Summer Olympics. So I was wrong, the Winter Olympics are giving a big eff you to OVER half the world.
9:21 – And Greece starts it off. I like the color scheme. Blue and white pretty much go with anything.
9:23 – Andorra is sending six athletes? SIX? That a lot. Argentina is only sending seven.
9:25 – Apparently Armenia’s colors are red, blue, and orange. Wow, that must be hard to coordinate. The Australia flag bearer is really hot. But alas, as Matt pointed out, she’s engaged.
9:26 – Wow, those Austrian outfits are nice. Sure, they ignore the national colors, but they have different designs for men and women, which is always a plus, and both look very classy. And it looks like Azerbaijan is trying hard to bring Zubaz back into style. Or maybe Zubaz just got to Azerbaijan. I guess we can’t really fault them for that then. Even Bob Costas is making fun of them. (On a personal note, my cousin used to refer to Zubaz as “Polish camouflage.”)
9:27 – Interesting flag of Belarus. Wow, that must be really hard for school kids to draw.
9:28 – Bermuda breaks out the Bermuda shorts. They know it’s the WINTER Olympics, right? At least they didn’t pair it with an ugly parka.
9:29 – Even Brazil doesn’t have as many athletes as Andorra. And this Brazilian one-name thing is a bit out of hand when even the president does it.
9:30 – The Cayman Islands team looks like they’re struggling with the idea of “winter” too.
9:31 – Chile only has three athletes. You’d think considering all the mountains they have, they’d have more.
9:32 – Boo, Red China. (Nope, not letting it go just because it’s the Olympics.) And it’s a commercial! Which countries are going to get the shaft because NBC has to pay the bills?
9:35 – And the shafted nations are: Colombia, Croatia, Cyprus, and the Czech Republic. And it looks like the Czechs are trying to bring back Zubaz too. And Denmark’s only Winter Olympics medal was in curling. Wow, that’s just sad.
9:36 – Finland hosts the world sauna championship. Why don’t terrorists hate THEM?
9:38 – And the winner for Most Politically Compromised Country Name is: The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia. And that’s only because Chinese Taipei isn’t here at the Winter Olympics. Savor your victory for now, Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, while you can. And far, the only country that hasn’t gone with some variation of ugly unisex parka and pants is Austria and Bermuda. Come on people.
9:39 – And the Georgian team comes out. Wow, opening ceremonies are rough on Georgia. Two years ago in Beijing, the opening ceremony was the same day Russia invaded Georgia. I wonder how they got those black scarves with the Georgian flag on such short notice.
9:41 – And hold on, give me a second, I’m temporarily blinded by the German outfits. Wow, Germany, really? Charles De Gaulle once (allegedly) described the Germans as having “No moral compass, but what a tailor.” Well, I hope they at least got their moral compass back, because it looks like they took the tailor out back and shot him.
9:42 – Ghana is up. The pointed out that Ghana’s lone athlete only got into skiing because he worked at a ski resort. Chance encounters, that’s what seems to be what binds a lot of these athletes from warm weather places. One guy went to school in New Hampshire, another went to school in Colorado. Again, how do people in their homeland get into this when the athletes only got into it by accident?
9:43 – Great Britain also eschews the parka, and has separate outfits for men and women. And they look really classy. I hope someone learns from this.
9:44 – And the women of Hungary do not disappoint, again.
9:46 – Did India run out of outfits? Most of the people are wearing these gray parkas, but the flag bearer and this other guy are just wearing suits. The men and women of the Iranian team also have different outfits, but that’s only because it’d be really awkward watching the men beat the women later for daring to wear pants.
9:47 – The Irish team comes in wearing fluorescent yellow pants. Insert your own dressing under the influence joke/Irish alcoholism joke here.
9:48 – The Italians are wearing very classy, albeit, unisex, dark gray overcoats. But it works. You taking notes here, Germany?
9:50 – Kazakhstan brought 38 athletes? Is very nice! (Okay, I apologize. Borat jokes are so overdone.)
9:53 – And the screwed by commercial countries this time are: Kyrgyzstan, Latvia, and Lebanon. Too bad, screw you guys.
9:54 – Liechtenstein has six athletes too. Are the Winter Olympics just a chance for little countries to shine while the rest of the world sits back and doesn’t care?
9:58 – Nepal, another country you’d imagine would be a Winter Olympic powerhouse, is only sending two athletes.
10:06 – And we’re back from another commercial, and the screwed over countries are San Marino, Senegal, Serbia, and Slovakia.
10:07 – According to Bob, Slovenia’s flag bearer is a part time model. Yeah, I can tell.
10:09 – And the Swedish ladies don’t disappoint either.
10:10 – And it’s Chinese Taipei, amongst the T’s! I had written them off! Hah, too bad Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia, you only had the award for Most Politically Compromised Country Name for a half hour.
10:13 – USA! USA! Wow, those are ugly hats. Shawn White needs to get a haircut, he looks like an ugly woman, and Lindsay Jacobellis looks like Lady Gaga, so she also looks like an ugly woman.
10:15 – And finally, host country Canada. Once again, trying to be at the forefront of fashion, I will admit, the scarf and the mittens are quite nice.
10:20 – Brian Adams! Somewhere, Celine Dion, Gordon Lightfoot, Rush, and Ann Murray are outraged. Meanwhile, Natalie Furtado looks like she bought her shoes from Strippers R Us. The natives are also trying to dance along to the song, but I imagine that must be a bit awkward.
10:25 – The Coke commercial with the snowball fight was funny, but I have a feeling it might provoke an international incident had it happened in real life, because you know someone would’ve taken it too far. (I’m look in your direction, Iran.)
10:27 – Donald Sutherland! Somewhere, William Shatner is outraged. I wonder if that’s real snow, or fake movie snow. Yes, the natives are hardy, with their iPod earbuds and all.
10:30 – I don’t know how that guy is doing that pulsing effect, but that is really cool. Is it projectors? But if it was, wouldn’t you see it image on the guy too?
10:32 – And the world’s largest and most expensive Coca Cola ad emerges from the floor. What, that giant animatronic bear is NOT holding a Coke bottle? Opportunity lost…
10:33 – Wow, the ice breaking up is a crazy effect too. That can’t be projectors, can it? A dig at global warming, perhaps?
10:36 – Are we getting a Circe du Soleil show? They’re Canadian, right? The “columns” look pretty cheap compared with the effect with the ice and the whales, sorry. (Did Donald Sutherland just quote Chief Dan George? Didn’t he play the chief in “The Outlaw Josey Wales?”)
10:38 – Is Sarah MacLachlan slowly transforming into Gloria Estefan? And do you think she is okay with the fact that her music is now forever associated with dog torture? If Michael Vick is the face, then she’s certainly the soundtrack.
10:42 – Commercial time. Is Green Zone just “Bourne Goes to Iraq?”
10:45 – We’ve got Wolverine feverishly playing his fiddle in a canoe. Which I guess works, Wolverine IS Canadian after all.
10:47 – I didn’t think crazy step dancing fiddling punks was a Canadian tradition. But now I know. They should have these guys rumble with the Sharks and the Jets.
10:52 – Rockets on tap shoes seemed to be something only a gay Wile E. Coyote could’ve thought up of.
10:54 – Toyota tries to convince America that their products are not crap, despite the fact that nearly every single car in their lineup has been recalled for potentially fatal problems. I’ve been driving Toyotas for over ten years, and even I’m losing confidence. Convince me.
10:58 – Does this running and flying over the wheat sequence make anything think of Superman I? Because the Kansas scenes WERE filmed in Canada.
11:07 – The skiers and snowboarders on a while segment is cool and all, but it seems little “Disney on Ice” –ish. Although the energy streaks are really cool.
11:11 – We got an Amish beatnik doing a poetry bit. Why couldn’t they get the
“I Am Canadian” guy for this? Wouldn’t that bring down the house? Again,
William Shatner must be outraged. (Zed instead of Zee? Like Triumph the Insult Comic dog once said, you’re in North America, learn the language.)
11:17 – Jacque Rogge and John Furlong bring every down again by remind everyone about the guy that died this morning. Thanks guys.
11:19 – If reminding everyone that one of their fellow athletes had just died that morning didn't do it already, all the energy in the room is sucked out by John Furlong’s boring delivery. Can we get this guy a tele-prompter, please, or is Barack Obama giving a speech at an elementary school in Seattle? And this guy has a really thick Canadian accent, even thicker than Michael Hogan, the guy that played Colonel Tigh on BSG. Why wouldn’t we get HIM to do the speech, complete with eye-patch and flask?
11:22 – The guy just brought up the torch relay. It has to be Wayne Gretsky lighting the torch, right? I mean, who else can it be?
11:26 – I don’t speak French, but it seems like this guy’s French is terrible. French speakers, back me up?
11:32 – kd lang pops out for a song, wearing a tux so ill-fitting you’d think she borrowed it from me. (And for the record, I would never wear a cream colored tux, much less own one. But if I did, who knows, I might lend it to kd lang.) Again, another Canadian performer off the list, and Celine Dion, Rush, Gordon Lightfoot, and Ann Murray are still on the board. Time is running out!
11:40 – Eight Canadian celebrities bring in the Olympic flag. Terry Fox’s mom is one of them, eliminating one of the possible torch bearers, which all but cements Gretsky as the torch lighter tonight. Donald Sutherland is there too, wearing a tux stolen from Tom Wolfe. And they also have an open wheeled race car driver, and a geriatric figure skater. And Ann Murray is off the board! Then some UN dude, Bobby Orr, and a Canadian astronaut. Again, Shatner must be outraged. Hell, I’m outraged FOR him.
11:42 – Some Canadian opera singer belts out the Olympic Hymn wearing one of Diana Ross’s weaves. Is it really a hymn if the singer belts it out like that?
11:47 – The announcer asks that the crowd remaining standing for a moment of silence for the Georgian luger, and then promptly mangles the guy’s name. Thanks buddy.
11:48 – The official doing the official’s oath gives an audible “well done” to the woman doing the athlete’s oath. Uh, thanks?
11:53 – And the torch comes in. And more Canadian celebrities! Alas, I don’t think Shatner will be involved here either, as it looks like running is involved. Steve Nash, good call. Next is Nancy Greene, whom Matt referred “the most successful Canadian alpine skier of all time.” So obviously, we have no idea who she is. And she hands it off to Gretsky. Like there was any doubt.
11:57 – I’ll say it: Wayne Gretsky is starting to look like an old woman.
11:58 – Aaaand, we’re still waiting. Is the orchestra just vamping?
11:59 – Uh oh, we’ve got technical difficulties. Four torch bearers, three torches. Who gets screwed? Wow, this is awkward.
12:00 – Finally, Superman’s Fortress of Solitude rises out of the ground, or at least most of it does. Yet another Superman reference tonight, maybe the director is a fan?
12:01 – And arrrgh, my recording ends. I should’ve extended it for the live event. Thankfully, I see the end later. Did they ever reveal who got screwed out of lighting the torch indoors? Was it Gretsky? Because I know he got to do it later.
And we’re out from Vancouver. Now let’s sit back and enjoy us some Nordic Combine and Ice Dancing. (If ice dancing is an Olympic sport, then why not regular ballroom dancing?)
Labels: Olympics
