I originally made a decision not to watch any of the 2008 Summer Olympics. For one thing, the Olympics in general don’t really interest me. The shameless commercialism also turns me off. (Although, I am writing this as I’m sucking down two cans of Coke. I’m such a sheep.) Oh, and this year’s Olympics are a showcase for a morally reprehensible regime who’s very existence I’m offended by. But I just couldn’t pass up the parade of nations. Now, with profound apologies to Bill Simmons, I present my running diary of the Parade of Nations from the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Summer Olympics. (Not live, of course, and with a DVR delay.)
9:20: And here we go! Our commentators are Bob Costas and Matt Lauer. Not a bad pairing, they could’ve gone with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Greece leads off, as usual. The stadium is ringed with…cheerleaders? I wonder if they’re going to stay out there the entire time.
9:23: Turkmenistan comes out, and according to the commentators, the president of Turkmenistan personally approved of the team uniforms. Apparently the guy loves puke green.
9:24: I don’t know who’s picking the music, but it’s really weird when you have Yemen marching out to “Scotland the Brave.”
9:26: Out comes Malaysia. There appear to be three variations of costumes: tracksuits, suits that look like flight attendant uniforms, and regional dress. Malaysia went all out on the regional dress. Meanwhile, Mali and Malawi just marched out to “Scotland the Brave.”
9:28: And they cut to commercial! Which countries get screwed over? And since this is all tape delayed, why are they skipping over countries at all?
9:33: Belgium marches out wearing some of the ugliest suits I’ve ever seen. Come on Belgium, you can do better than that.
9:34: Here comes Israel. For some reason, Israel does horribly in the Olympics when it comes to medal count. You’d think in a country where almost everyone is in good shape and can shoot would at least have a couple of team sports or shooting medals. Or maybe it's because they're preoccupied with other things, like fighting for their existence.
9:35: Japan comes out wearing classy blue blazers. Is the Chinese crowd going to let them have it? Alas, no. Ironically, they’re waving Red Chinese flags, an interesting reversal of fortune.
9:36: Ah, Taiwan…er, I mean, Chinese Taipei, proudly waving their non-flag. And when they win a medal, they can bask in their non-anthem. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have stayed home. My parents are no doubt cheering like crazy right about now.
9:37: Hong Kong has its own Olympic team? Does Macau have one too?
9:38: Gambia comes out in traditional costume. Two people on the team stand out: a SMOKING hot black chick and a white guy. You know, if you’ve got a white guy on your team, maybe you should forgo traditional African dress. One of the commentators points out how the white guy coordinated his glasses to match his outfit. Too bad he couldn’t coordinate his skin color to match his outfit.
9:39. I take it back, there are four types of costumes. I say that because the Danes just marched out looking like tourists in capri pants and polo shirts.
9:40: The Ukrainian team apparently turned to Captain Kangaroo for inspiration for their blazers. Wow, I don’t know what’s uglier, the Belgian jackets or these. I think these. I can’t imagine any situation where it’d be okay to wear a teal and yellow blazer.
9:45: According to Matt Lauer, Paraguay’s flag has two different sides. I did not know that.
9:48: Pakistan comes out in some very nice looking olive drab green blazers. Very nice.
9:50: Morgan Freeman does a voiceover for a Visa commercial. What if he had been killed in that car accident he was in earlier this week? Wouldn’t hearing him hawk Visa cards be a bit creepy? Would they get someone else to re-record all of the commercials? What if he was a coma? Am I the only one that wonders about these things?
9:53: Reviewing the passed over nations, the Burundians (Burundians? Is that right) actually carry spears as part of their national dress. Now THAT’S national dress. And Bob Costas correctly pronounces Qatar. (It’s pronounced “gutter.”) I got taught the proper pronunciation in seventh grade, and haven’t heard anyone pronounce it correctly ever since.
9:54: India has 1.1 billion people, yet only 56 athletes. It’s unfortunate that the sport the country is absolutely crazy about, cricket, just happens to not be an Olympic sport. Probably something to do with the fact that it takes five days to play a match. Meanwhile, I almost spit up my drink when I saw a SMOKING hot Indian chick. Quick cut to President Bush who looks bored out of his mind. He actually looked at his watch. Wow, that was awkward.
9:56: The Lithuanians go for the tourist look too, except with lime green polos. Does the Lithuanian flag have lime green in it?
9:59: Canada tries again to be on the leading edge of fashion. Frankly, they’re trying a bit too hard, because their outfits are hideous. On the other hand, there are plenty of good looking women on that Canadian team. Do you think they push all the better looking ladies toward the edge of the crowd so they get more camera time? Is there a group of plainer looking women on the inside of the crowd?
10:03: Laos and Armenia march in to “Scotland the Brave.” Alright already.
10:05: Liechtenstein comes in to mariachi music. I don’t know if that’s an improvement over the bagpipe music.
10:07: Matt Lauer points out the loud cheer from the Chinese crowd for the Iraqi team. Thanks, not that you guys did anything to help let that happen…
10:09: Hungary marches and the ladies are wearing flowery dresses that make them look like grandmothers in their Sunday best. Even Matt Lauer and Bob Costas are busting on them. Hungary’s reputation for fine ladies just took a huge hit.
10:13: Guam has a 399lb guy on their judo team. When I first saw him, I actually thought sumo wrestling had been added as an Olympic event. And why does Guam have their own Olympic team?
10:14: The Jordanian flag bearer is SMOKING hot. Good God! Yes, they are that good looking, and not that’s based on the fact that I don’t get out much.
10:16: Bob Costas points out that the Croatia’s flag bearer is the best handball player in the world. Naturally, that means the vast majority of Americans have no idea who he is. Or what handball is.
10:17: The cheerleaders ringing the stadium are still at it. What are they on? Meanwhile, another shot of Bush, looking somewhat interested now. Maybe the hot Jordanian chicks piqued his interest.
10:21: Bob Costas pronounced Cape Verde Cape VERD. Hmm, I always thought it was Cape VAIR-DAY. Which way is correct?
10:24: There’s a 14 year old kid on the British team. This beats any sleep away camp. There’s one British Olympic team, yet separate English, Scottish, and presumably Welsh and Northern Irish soccer teams. Why is that? Hong Kong and Guam have their own Olympic teams, yet they’d never have their own soccer teams.
10:28: No boos for France, much to the surprise of Bob and Matt. Well, if they’re not booing Japan, Taiwan, or France, who will they boo? Oh yeah, the US.
10:29: The women of the Polish team are clearly overdressed, in nice red gowns. It works for me.
10:30: Puerto Rico has their own team?
10:34: (Really, how far back did Sacha Baron Cohen push Kazakhstan?) They’re followed by Bulgaria, and one of the commentators mentions Jordan Jovtchev, veteran Olympic gymnast. Dorks like me know him however, as Jordan Jovtchev, repeat Ninja Warrior contestant.
10:35: The Russian flag bearer is AK-47 himself, Andrei Kirilenko. (One of the all-time great sports nicknames, in my opinion.) Cut to Putin waving to the team, no doubt minutes after he ordered Russian tanks to roll into Georgia.
10:37: Cheers for the USA! They like us, they really like us. Cut to Bush, who wakes up and stands to wave to the team. Jenny Finch looks spectacular, as usual. The US uniform is classy, white slacks, blue blazers with the Olympic emblem, and a white flatcap, but I don’t know if you’d wear it anywhere else.
10:41: Budweiser runs a commercial extolling how American it is, hoping that everyone conveniently forgets that they got bought up by the Belgians a few weeks ago.
10:45: The cheerleaders appear to be slowing down. Can’t blame them, they’ve been on their feet and waving their arms nonstop for an hour and 15 minutes now. Cut again to President Bush, and he looks bored out of his mind again.
10:51: Here comes Georgia! Do you suppose most Americans knew there was a country called Georgia? Because if they didn’t, then CNN’s headline “Russia Invades Georgia” will freak out a lot of people. Do you think these athletes know? Boy, this is awkward…
10:52: According to Matt Lauer, Ireland has the fastest growing population in Europe. Well, what did he expect, the sale of condoms was illegal until a few years ago. Fashion-wise, they’re the first team tonight to wear blazers you can actually wear to a business meeting later on.
10:54. Kiribati is taking the national dress thing a little two far. (Well, not as far as Burundi.) But they’ve got two guys on the team who look like they’re wearing the Rock’s old costume back from when he was Rocky Maivia.
11:00: There’s a white guy on the South Korean team. How the hell did that happen?
11:02: “Scotland the Brave” starts up again right as the North Koreans start marching in. This really has to stop.
11:06: Sweden upholds their reputation for hot ladies. The guys are in blazers, but the ladies are in what looks like traditional Chinese dresses, but in teal and yellow. Very nice, it definitely works. I hope the rest of the countries drop the androgynous outfits and dress up the ladies soon.
11:08: Nike rolls out what is probably their greatest commercial since “Move,” set to the chorus to the Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Beautiful.
11:13: So how do they organize the Cyprus team? Is it half Turkish and half Greek?
11:16: Dirk Nowitzki leads the German team out. Every time I see him I’ve reminded of how he and Pat Garrity got traded for Robert Traylor on draft night in 1998. Yes, that really happened. In other news, the Germans are only the second team wearing a suit that they’d be able to wear in real-life situations. They’re also unusually festive, which makes me wonder if they spent the time waiting getting sloshed.
11:23: The Red Chinese team comes out, and they finally do something about the music, abruptly cutting the bagpipe music for something that sounds generically Oriental. Yao Ming is carrying the flag. He’s the fourth NBA player to be carrying the flag tonight, following Manu Ginobili, AK-47, and Dirk Nowitzki He rehabbed from his season ending injury just in time go play in the Olympics so he can help the Red Chinese team get crushed by the US. There’s a nine year old kid who, according to Bob and Matt, survived the earthquake, dug himself out, went out, and helped to classmates out. He’s in front of a worldwide audience waving a big chicom flag, which, unfortunately, is upside down. They’ll probably send him to a reeducation cap until he’s eighteen for that. The crowd goes wild, with a huge swell of Red Chinese pride, which promptly makes me want to puke my guts out.
11:40: Ah, nothing says Olympic spirit like the Olympic flag…being raised by eight goose-stepping PLA soldiers…
11:43: It’s been twenty minutes since the Red Chinese team first came out, and the kid’s flag is still upside down. Yao has the kid in his arms now, so they’re eye to eye, and the kid is waving the flag right in Yao’s face, yet it looks like Yao doesn’t notice. I noticed this twenty minutes ago watching it on tape and DVR delay on a 27 inch regular definition television, and Yao can’t see it live and a foot from his face?
11:54: I have to give credit where credit is due, that wire-assisted run around the rim of the stadium and the torch lighting was pretty damn cool. Here I thought they were going to allow a Tibetan monk to light himself on fire and then push him in.
And that’s it for the Parade of Nations and the lighting of the torch. Years from now, people will reflect on these games and recognize that maybe it was the cheerleaders who performed the greatest athletic feats in these games. Two and a half hours of jumping around and swinging your arms, acting excited. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my regular schedule of refusing to watch the games.
9:20: And here we go! Our commentators are Bob Costas and Matt Lauer. Not a bad pairing, they could’ve gone with Joe Buck and Tim McCarver. Greece leads off, as usual. The stadium is ringed with…cheerleaders? I wonder if they’re going to stay out there the entire time.
9:23: Turkmenistan comes out, and according to the commentators, the president of Turkmenistan personally approved of the team uniforms. Apparently the guy loves puke green.
9:24: I don’t know who’s picking the music, but it’s really weird when you have Yemen marching out to “Scotland the Brave.”
9:26: Out comes Malaysia. There appear to be three variations of costumes: tracksuits, suits that look like flight attendant uniforms, and regional dress. Malaysia went all out on the regional dress. Meanwhile, Mali and Malawi just marched out to “Scotland the Brave.”
9:28: And they cut to commercial! Which countries get screwed over? And since this is all tape delayed, why are they skipping over countries at all?
9:33: Belgium marches out wearing some of the ugliest suits I’ve ever seen. Come on Belgium, you can do better than that.
9:34: Here comes Israel. For some reason, Israel does horribly in the Olympics when it comes to medal count. You’d think in a country where almost everyone is in good shape and can shoot would at least have a couple of team sports or shooting medals. Or maybe it's because they're preoccupied with other things, like fighting for their existence.
9:35: Japan comes out wearing classy blue blazers. Is the Chinese crowd going to let them have it? Alas, no. Ironically, they’re waving Red Chinese flags, an interesting reversal of fortune.
9:36: Ah, Taiwan…er, I mean, Chinese Taipei, proudly waving their non-flag. And when they win a medal, they can bask in their non-anthem. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have stayed home. My parents are no doubt cheering like crazy right about now.
9:37: Hong Kong has its own Olympic team? Does Macau have one too?
9:38: Gambia comes out in traditional costume. Two people on the team stand out: a SMOKING hot black chick and a white guy. You know, if you’ve got a white guy on your team, maybe you should forgo traditional African dress. One of the commentators points out how the white guy coordinated his glasses to match his outfit. Too bad he couldn’t coordinate his skin color to match his outfit.
9:39. I take it back, there are four types of costumes. I say that because the Danes just marched out looking like tourists in capri pants and polo shirts.
9:40: The Ukrainian team apparently turned to Captain Kangaroo for inspiration for their blazers. Wow, I don’t know what’s uglier, the Belgian jackets or these. I think these. I can’t imagine any situation where it’d be okay to wear a teal and yellow blazer.
9:45: According to Matt Lauer, Paraguay’s flag has two different sides. I did not know that.
9:48: Pakistan comes out in some very nice looking olive drab green blazers. Very nice.
9:50: Morgan Freeman does a voiceover for a Visa commercial. What if he had been killed in that car accident he was in earlier this week? Wouldn’t hearing him hawk Visa cards be a bit creepy? Would they get someone else to re-record all of the commercials? What if he was a coma? Am I the only one that wonders about these things?
9:53: Reviewing the passed over nations, the Burundians (Burundians? Is that right) actually carry spears as part of their national dress. Now THAT’S national dress. And Bob Costas correctly pronounces Qatar. (It’s pronounced “gutter.”) I got taught the proper pronunciation in seventh grade, and haven’t heard anyone pronounce it correctly ever since.
9:54: India has 1.1 billion people, yet only 56 athletes. It’s unfortunate that the sport the country is absolutely crazy about, cricket, just happens to not be an Olympic sport. Probably something to do with the fact that it takes five days to play a match. Meanwhile, I almost spit up my drink when I saw a SMOKING hot Indian chick. Quick cut to President Bush who looks bored out of his mind. He actually looked at his watch. Wow, that was awkward.
9:56: The Lithuanians go for the tourist look too, except with lime green polos. Does the Lithuanian flag have lime green in it?
9:59: Canada tries again to be on the leading edge of fashion. Frankly, they’re trying a bit too hard, because their outfits are hideous. On the other hand, there are plenty of good looking women on that Canadian team. Do you think they push all the better looking ladies toward the edge of the crowd so they get more camera time? Is there a group of plainer looking women on the inside of the crowd?
10:03: Laos and Armenia march in to “Scotland the Brave.” Alright already.
10:05: Liechtenstein comes in to mariachi music. I don’t know if that’s an improvement over the bagpipe music.
10:07: Matt Lauer points out the loud cheer from the Chinese crowd for the Iraqi team. Thanks, not that you guys did anything to help let that happen…
10:09: Hungary marches and the ladies are wearing flowery dresses that make them look like grandmothers in their Sunday best. Even Matt Lauer and Bob Costas are busting on them. Hungary’s reputation for fine ladies just took a huge hit.
10:13: Guam has a 399lb guy on their judo team. When I first saw him, I actually thought sumo wrestling had been added as an Olympic event. And why does Guam have their own Olympic team?
10:14: The Jordanian flag bearer is SMOKING hot. Good God! Yes, they are that good looking, and not that’s based on the fact that I don’t get out much.
10:16: Bob Costas points out that the Croatia’s flag bearer is the best handball player in the world. Naturally, that means the vast majority of Americans have no idea who he is. Or what handball is.
10:17: The cheerleaders ringing the stadium are still at it. What are they on? Meanwhile, another shot of Bush, looking somewhat interested now. Maybe the hot Jordanian chicks piqued his interest.
10:21: Bob Costas pronounced Cape Verde Cape VERD. Hmm, I always thought it was Cape VAIR-DAY. Which way is correct?
10:24: There’s a 14 year old kid on the British team. This beats any sleep away camp. There’s one British Olympic team, yet separate English, Scottish, and presumably Welsh and Northern Irish soccer teams. Why is that? Hong Kong and Guam have their own Olympic teams, yet they’d never have their own soccer teams.
10:28: No boos for France, much to the surprise of Bob and Matt. Well, if they’re not booing Japan, Taiwan, or France, who will they boo? Oh yeah, the US.
10:29: The women of the Polish team are clearly overdressed, in nice red gowns. It works for me.
10:30: Puerto Rico has their own team?
10:34:
10:35: The Russian flag bearer is AK-47 himself, Andrei Kirilenko. (One of the all-time great sports nicknames, in my opinion.) Cut to Putin waving to the team, no doubt minutes after he ordered Russian tanks to roll into Georgia.
10:37: Cheers for the USA! They like us, they really like us. Cut to Bush, who wakes up and stands to wave to the team. Jenny Finch looks spectacular, as usual. The US uniform is classy, white slacks, blue blazers with the Olympic emblem, and a white flatcap, but I don’t know if you’d wear it anywhere else.
10:41: Budweiser runs a commercial extolling how American it is, hoping that everyone conveniently forgets that they got bought up by the Belgians a few weeks ago.
10:45: The cheerleaders appear to be slowing down. Can’t blame them, they’ve been on their feet and waving their arms nonstop for an hour and 15 minutes now. Cut again to President Bush, and he looks bored out of his mind again.
10:51: Here comes Georgia! Do you suppose most Americans knew there was a country called Georgia? Because if they didn’t, then CNN’s headline “Russia Invades Georgia” will freak out a lot of people. Do you think these athletes know? Boy, this is awkward…
10:52: According to Matt Lauer, Ireland has the fastest growing population in Europe. Well, what did he expect, the sale of condoms was illegal until a few years ago. Fashion-wise, they’re the first team tonight to wear blazers you can actually wear to a business meeting later on.
10:54. Kiribati is taking the national dress thing a little two far. (Well, not as far as Burundi.) But they’ve got two guys on the team who look like they’re wearing the Rock’s old costume back from when he was Rocky Maivia.
11:00: There’s a white guy on the South Korean team. How the hell did that happen?
11:02: “Scotland the Brave” starts up again right as the North Koreans start marching in. This really has to stop.
11:06: Sweden upholds their reputation for hot ladies. The guys are in blazers, but the ladies are in what looks like traditional Chinese dresses, but in teal and yellow. Very nice, it definitely works. I hope the rest of the countries drop the androgynous outfits and dress up the ladies soon.
11:08: Nike rolls out what is probably their greatest commercial since “Move,” set to the chorus to the Killers “All These Things That I’ve Done.” Beautiful.
11:13: So how do they organize the Cyprus team? Is it half Turkish and half Greek?
11:16: Dirk Nowitzki leads the German team out. Every time I see him I’ve reminded of how he and Pat Garrity got traded for Robert Traylor on draft night in 1998. Yes, that really happened. In other news, the Germans are only the second team wearing a suit that they’d be able to wear in real-life situations. They’re also unusually festive, which makes me wonder if they spent the time waiting getting sloshed.
11:23: The Red Chinese team comes out, and they finally do something about the music, abruptly cutting the bagpipe music for something that sounds generically Oriental. Yao Ming is carrying the flag. He’s the fourth NBA player to be carrying the flag tonight, following Manu Ginobili, AK-47, and Dirk Nowitzki He rehabbed from his season ending injury just in time go play in the Olympics so he can help the Red Chinese team get crushed by the US. There’s a nine year old kid who, according to Bob and Matt, survived the earthquake, dug himself out, went out, and helped to classmates out. He’s in front of a worldwide audience waving a big chicom flag, which, unfortunately, is upside down. They’ll probably send him to a reeducation cap until he’s eighteen for that. The crowd goes wild, with a huge swell of Red Chinese pride, which promptly makes me want to puke my guts out.
11:40: Ah, nothing says Olympic spirit like the Olympic flag…being raised by eight goose-stepping PLA soldiers…
11:43: It’s been twenty minutes since the Red Chinese team first came out, and the kid’s flag is still upside down. Yao has the kid in his arms now, so they’re eye to eye, and the kid is waving the flag right in Yao’s face, yet it looks like Yao doesn’t notice. I noticed this twenty minutes ago watching it on tape and DVR delay on a 27 inch regular definition television, and Yao can’t see it live and a foot from his face?
11:54: I have to give credit where credit is due, that wire-assisted run around the rim of the stadium and the torch lighting was pretty damn cool. Here I thought they were going to allow a Tibetan monk to light himself on fire and then push him in.
And that’s it for the Parade of Nations and the lighting of the torch. Years from now, people will reflect on these games and recognize that maybe it was the cheerleaders who performed the greatest athletic feats in these games. Two and a half hours of jumping around and swinging your arms, acting excited. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go back to my regular schedule of refusing to watch the games.
posted by J. Yeh | 12:10
3 Comments:
Re: Morgan Freeman - Yes, I had exactly the same questions as you did. You're not the only one having morbid thoughts.
Re: Jordan. WOW, that woman was the hottest one in the whole Olympics.
Re: Georgia. "Do you suppose most Americans knew there was a country called Georgia? Because if they didn’t, then CNN’s headline “Russia Invades Georgia” will freak out a lot of people." LOL, too true.
Re: "Here I thought they were going to allow a Tibetan monk to light himself on fire and then push him in." That's brutal.
How you managed to sit through the whole thing is beyond me. I left as soon as the Yanks marched through. Great write-up though!
very entertaining. i have been going through bill simmons withdrawel this summer, not a bad attempt. I still hate the americamns uniforms though, i wouldnt ever wear those anywhere.
and yeah all the good israeli shooters are back in israel, shooting for real.
I'm feeling the olympic spirit in this post. I'm also feeling that Belgium and Canada lose out on the entire essence of style (and nationhood) when Malaysia has flight attendants in the opening ceremony.
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